August 10, 2009

Things That Make Us Go "Yikes": I Will Secretly Judge You Based On How Well You Performed on the SATs

This is crazy because I took my SATs, what, 15 years ago? Not to toot my own standardized testing horn, but I scored very well. I don't bring it up often--because really, who does?--but occasionally after I've been seeing a guy for a while it creeps into conversation.

We divulge our scores to each other with caution because these could be potentially treacherous waters. There are only a few ways that this can go. And, really he can't win.

For instance, say he scored lower than me. Automatically, I feel strange. He feels strange. It hangs in the air like fart. At first I am pleased to have scored higher, but that's quickly replaced by disappointment that I scored higher. I imagine us as a high school couple in study hall; me using the time for the intended purpose of studying and him being kicked out for talking in the back of the classroom. Like Claire and Bender from The Breakfast Club, we'd never have worked--unless he gave me a diamond earring and agreed to date me to piss off my dad.

Or, if he scored higher than me then I get indignant and competitive. Who does this guy think he is? I want to re-take the test just to show him up.

In a rare third instance, the guy will confess to having never taken his SATs. He might has well have told me that he was born with a tail because it is clear that we are two separate species of animal. Can we even procreate? Will our children be circus freaks? If he never took his SATs, he'll be unimpressed by my score because to him it's all just a jumble of useless numbers--which is what they really are anyways.

The only way that this will not end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings is if we have the same score, or scored within 20 point of each other. Then, it would be considered a draw and I would be able to swiftly move on, satisfied that I've met my standardized testing match.

How nerdy am I that this is even an issue with me? Am I the only one who does this? (Probably.) Is this weird? (Definitely.) Is there anything that you irrationally judge a guy on? Let us know at hi@shmittenkitten.com or just leave it in the comments section.

14 comments:

Jon K said...

I have totally lied about this before in that "Oh wow you totally beat me at battleship! You're so good at this game" type of way in order to sidestep this exact issue.

And no, there's no way she could have beat me at Battlship. I'm not being sexist: I'm just that amazing at sinking your boats.

juliahays said...

Having graduated in 2005, I have that lovely period of time when the SATs were re-organized and given a different scoring system, so many people have dropped the conversation topic all together because, depending on what year they were taken, the scoring system is different.

I do judge guys on other "nerdy" matters. If they have never heard of a current Supreme Court justice, have never watched the evening news, use terrible grammar, or think Lord Byron was an evil villain in a comic book series and not a poet, than I generally start counting the minutes until I can escape.

miss bee said...

dude i'm seeing makes it a point to not tell his score.

said HIS OWN MOTHER doesn't know his SAT score.

that's just WEIRD, yo. you won't tell your mom??

Anna said...

Miss Bee, that's so crazy! What a crazy thing to do? Is he ashamed of it or something?

Lisatella said...

I recently spent an early morning in bed talking about none other than the SAT. How sexy is that?

miss bee said...

anna, i imagine he did very well, actually.

he just spent two months studying for the medical boards and when i asked how well he did, all i got was "i did well enough to do whatever it is i want to do [in/after med school]."

the conversation then went into the "i don't tell anyone my scores, i didn't even tell my mom my SAT score."

Dennis said...

I suppose I won't judge based on how well you did/didn't do on the SATs, but I want to have a conversation with someone where I don't need to define each word. At the same, I also don't want to accidentally talk over her head either.

Generally I want to see a college degree, but if she can hold her own in a discussion, it doesn't matter.

Katie D. said...

I totally understand. I judge based on SAT scores, too but my favorite is to ask what colleges they applied to versus what ones they got in to. This can also have the lose-lose effects.

melee-andthelike said...

I got a 970 on my SATs, but graduated magna cum laude from TU. I'm not sure if it's just that my SAT scores failed to represent my true intellectual abilities, or that Temple gives out Latin honors like they're free samples.

Catie said...

Ridiculous. Shut it down. Why would that 'creep into conversation' FIFTEEN YEARS LATER? I personally don't feel the need to bring up ancient test scores to quantify my intelligence. And if you're still talking about SATs, you're clearly not smart enough to realize that they are mostly a test of upper-middle class socialization. Lame.

Jon K said...

Is there something you want to talk about Catie? You sound a little upset.

Anna said...

Catie! I freely admitted that this is a crazy impulse. That's what the entire post is about. Uh....

Diane said...

Catie sounds like me when I talk about the GREs. Certain topics insist a rant that will explode out from the slightest trigger. M. Night Shymalan movies are another of such topics... I just hope the guy that accidentally sets off such a rant from me ends up finding it cute and not scary.

Anonymous said...

if he has a goatee, bad teeth, bad laugh/voice, he's done-zo.

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