Things That Make Me Go "Yikes!": When He Gets Overly Nervous Around My Friends

From SabrinaSee, who needs her dude to take a serious chill pill when he meets her homegirls: 

I love dating funny guys. The fastest way to get my clothes off is to make me chuckle. The guys that entertain not only my sense of humor but capture my undivided attention remind me that I might not want to die alone. And maybe there’s hope I won’t end up like some sort of supporting character in a Jane Austen novel.  

But then something catastrophic happens when I bring my funny dude around my friends. He spirals out of control into the sort of meltdown best associated with people named Lindsay Lohan. This usually comes after I brag about how funny he is to them. Like that time he looked me in the face while undressing and flatly said, “Don’t stare and don’t objectify me.” It’s the initial part of the relationship where you gush to all your female friends and they are like, “That is so cute. Gosh, you are so lucky. WHEN CAN WE MEET HIM.”  

So I picked a happy hour and asked him if he wanted to come with me. "Some people are going," I said, nonchalantly. "It'll be fun." And when he arrived and realized it was my closest gal pals, he began to systematically shut down like I was Neo and he was the Matrix. 

He didn’t blink. He didn’t speak. And I wondered if right before he arrived, he had his personality erased like Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. When he went to the bathroom, which was frequent, my friends all looked at me like maybe this was some sort of elaborate hoax. I had promised them a humorist on par with Louis C.K. and unfortunately, Rain Man showed up in his place. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced that he had to go. He didn’t kiss me goodbye; he just ran away. And I hated him. Until I saw him again and he acted completely normal like I didn't just watch him do his best impression of the HAL 9000 being unplugged the last time we hung out. It was impossible to even ask him what the hell was going on because he’s back to being cute and attentive. But it’s not preventing me from thinking, “WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A WEIRDO IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS,” while he’s holding my hand and watching “Nashville” with me.

Hilarious. Follow Sabrina on Twitter!

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Things That Make Us Go Yikes: He Acted Weird When I Introduced Him To My Friends

Oof!

This is a bummer because I know FOR A FACT that he's a sweet, funny goofball. And, I've been telling everyone how rad he is for a while now. But, my homeboy crashed and burned when I introduced him to my buds; he straight-up choked. Oh god, it was a nightmare.

Basically, all of his attempts at humor tanked. He had as much charm as an empty roll of toilet paper. Maybe he's not good in social situations? Maybe he crumbled under the pressure? Who knows. All I can say is that it was painful to watch. I think my eyebrows still hurt from cringing so hard for so long.

After about the tenth awkward silence thanks to his bizarre non sequitors, I wanted to yank him out of the room with a giant cane like how they do with the comedians who bomb on Amatuer Night at the Apollo. What did he have for lunch, socially inept stew with a side of awkward crackers? Jesus Christ man, pull it together! Stop trying to be funny! Just sip your beer and smile.

I tried to explain a few of his jokes to my friends in an effort to ameliorate the situation but it was like trying to explain LOLcats to a blind person; it didn't fully translate. The whole evening felt as if I was watching him lose on the first round of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" which everyone knows is the easiest round there is. How do you even console that person? I certainly don't have the skill set for it. I'm just going to have to pretend that the night never happened. That's probably best for all involved.

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What I Wanna Do When A Guy I Like Takes More Than An Hour To Respond To My Text Message Because I'm Impatient And A Little Nutty When It Comes To Using The Phone

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I Went On A Blind Date With Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen is a nutjob so I used his real quotes and imagined we were on a blind date. Enjoy:

My hair looks like a badger's anus. Is that a problem?

Me: Thanks for meeting me here. I've heard good things about this place.
Charlie: I'm still alive, which is pretty cool.
Me: Yeah, so Janet told me a lot of things about you. Most of it was good. (laughs nervously)
Charlie: I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old.
Me: Wow. Well, no. She told me that you were going through some stuff. Kinda hitting rock bottom, but that you were pulling yourself together.
Charlie: Rock bottom? That's a fishing term.
Me: I don’t mean it like that. I mean, that you’re on the up and up, getting your life together. It's a positive thing.
Charlie: I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. I cured it with my brain.
Me: --
Charlie: I've got tiger blood, man.
Me: Is that even legal? Where do you get that? Chinatown? I'm kidding. I heard that you can be a little bit wild sometimes, which is fine.
Charlie: My conduct is bitchin'.
Me: Ha! Well, I’ll be the judge of that.
Charlie: Just sit back and enjoy the show.
Me: Okey doke.
Charlie: It's been a tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard.
Me: That sounds pretty wild. That's what Janet was telling me, that you're always doing cool things and that you're just on another level.
Charlie: I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'.
Me: Don’t be tired. I'm enjoying hearing about it. (Takes a sip of water) I find that moderation is key in all things, though.
Charlie: I don't live in the middle anymore. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.
Me: Oh, I don’t care about that. I try to eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep. You know, be smart.
Charlie: I don't sleep. I wait. Most of the time--and this includes naps--I'm an F-18.
Me: You’re a force to be reckoned with when you sleep? Janet didn't mention--
Charlie: It's funny how sheep rhymes with sleep.
Me: I guess. (Directing his attention back to the menu) So, what looks good to you? Want to split an appetizer? Do you like calamari?
Charlie: Gnarly gnarlingtons.
Me: Oh-kay. How about we split the chicken dumplings?
Charlie: Pure and complete gnarly-isms.
Me: Jeez. You’re a picky eater. Do you think we could finish the Caesar salad if we split it?
Charlie: My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.
Me: Let’s order a plate of chicken lettuce wraps. The lettuce is good for you.
Charlie: Bull S-H-I-T.
Me: Well, what do you suggest? Let's just go with the vegetable spring rolls. You can't go wrong with those.
Charlie: Can't is the cancer of happen.
Me: Spring rolls it is! So, your kids seem nice. How many do you have now? Four little ones?
Charlie: Touch my children and I will eat your hands off your arms.
Me: Whoa.
Charlie: If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently.
Me: Got it. Memo received. I don’t have any kids, myself.
Charlie: Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way.
Me: Well, I don’t need kids to have a full life.
Charlie: Wow. What does that mean?
Me: I just mean that my career has been rewarding in its own right.
Charlie: I've spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.
Me: Well, I recycle my cans. Sometimes I wish I could just toss my plastics with my glass but, yeah, I separate them.
Charlie: Sorry man, I didn't make the rules.
Me: Oh, good. Some bread for the table.
Charlie: The first one's free. The next one goes in your mouth.
Me: They're all free. Can you pass the butter, please?
Charlie: Your perimeter's been breached. You got work to do, bro.
Me: It's fine. So, have you read any good books lately?
Charlie: One of my favorite poets is Eminem.
Me: I wouldn't classify him as a poet. I see him as more of a rapper, I guess? So, Janet also said that you like to run?
Charlie: The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children.
Me: Have you seen our waiter? I’m dying for some more water.
Charlie: Dying is for fools. Amateurs.
Me: I didn’t literally mean I was dying. Like Thomas Jefferson said--
Charlie: I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.
Me: Thomas Jefferson, the president?
Charlie: Let's talk about something exciting. Me.
Me: I feel like that’s ALL we’ve been talking about, Charlie.
Charlie: There's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS.
Me: Did you just call me a loser?
Charlie: If people could just read behind the hieroglyphic.
Me: The menu is in English.

A little later:

Me: How's your gnocchi?
Charlie: Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We're starting to win.
Me: So, you like it?
Charlie: I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.
The waiter comes over: How is everything?
Charlie: Go back to the troll hole where you came from.
Me: I’m sorry, my date isn’t feeling well.
The manager walks to our table briskly: Is everything okay here? Is there anything I can get you?
Charlie: Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Me: Charlie!
Charlie: I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering.
Me: They were just trying to be helpful.
Charlie: They picked a fight with a warlock.
Me: No one’s picking a fight with anyone!
Charlie: I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that's how I roll.
Me: I’m sorry, my date isn’t quite feeling himself. Can we get the check, please?
Charlie: Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.
Me: (hissing) That doesn't even make sense.
Charlie: I'm just giving them what I guess they want, I just don't know if they can handle it. Pussies.
Me: Charlie, NOBODY WANTS THIS. (whispers) You’re acting like a lunatic.
Charlie: You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like '"Dude, can't handle it. Unplug this bastard."
Me: Oh, good. The check's here. Let’s split it down the middle, okay? Look, mints! Here's yours. (shoves an Andes mint towards him)
Charlie: Clearly he didn't bring gum for everyone.
Me: Are you okay to drive home?
Charlie: I'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses.
Me: Have fun with that. I can't believe Janet thought we'd hit it off.
Charlie: You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.
Me: This has been...fun. Goodnight, Charlie.
Charlie: I dare you to keep up with me.
Me: (putting on my coat) GOODNIGHT, Charlie.
Charlie: (yelling as I walk away) I DON'T HAVE BURNOUT IN MY GEAR BOX!

[Previously: Me And Kanye Sitting In A Tree T-E-X-T-I-N-G]

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Me And Kanye Sitting In A Tree T-E-X-T-I-N-G

You so crazy, Kanye!

I'm not sure if you've seen Kanye West's twitter page recently, but it's pretty bonkers. He sounds straight-up unhinged. The Huffington Post slapped his tweets on New Yorker cartoons, which was genius.

It got me thinking about what it'd be like if I dated Kanye West and the kinds of conversations we'd have. I'd bet that he'd send me the most insane text messages. Seeing as I have an MFA in crazy texts, it wasn't too hard to imagine this scenario. Keep in mind that these are all real tweets he has written, pulled directly from his stream. I kept his grammar and spelling exactly as it appeared for full affect.

Me: Hey, babe. How are you? How'd you sleep?
Kanye: Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on
Me: You didn't sleep well? What have you done today?
Kanye: Up early in the morning taking meetings in Silicone Valley
Kanye: Lol I spelled Silicon wrong ( I guess I was still thinking about the other type of silicone ITS A PROCESS!! :)
Kanye: May hit the club.... it may happen!!!
Me: Dude, it's like 2pm. Isn't that a little early?
Kanye: you wanna know what goes through my mind in the early afternoon.... suits and Brazil yes!
Me: Haha. What?
Kanye: Office clothes are the shit
Me: I HATE office clothes. Gap khaki pants and thin cardigans? No thanks. I hate dressing like a secretary.
Kanye: Limitation spawns innovation
Me: I guess.
Kanye: Clothes are my drug
Me: I can see that.
Kanye: Let's have a toast!!!! skal!! THAT MEANS TOAST IN SWEDISH!!!
Me: You wanna have a toast? With what?
Kanye: GREEEEEEEY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!! hahhahahahahaaaaaa
Me: You already sound drunk. What are you drinking?
Kanye: Sipping Molnar Family Poseidin's Vineyard Chardonnay in the middle of the day sidebar out of gold cups for whatever that's worth
Me: Right. With your fronts in? You must look like Lil' Jon or some shit.
Kanye: No seriously ... I said my teeth are real diamonds... these are not fronts... I replaced my bottom row of teeth with diamonds.
Me: Sorry! I thought you were kidding. I'm sure they look amazing.
Kanye: Why is this girl showing me pictures of her Mom rt now hahhahahaaa hey I don't know what to say about this .... let me see more of you!!!
Me: I can't wait to show you more of me. Maybe, if you're good. Last time we talked, you seemed pretty irritated. What were you bummed out about again?
Kanye: I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh
Me: That's a drag. I think it's cool how you text me whenever you have a spare minute. You're so cute. I know I'm not a model like your last girl. Whatever. Models are dumb.
Kanye: Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes
Me: Haha. I love you.
Kanye: I love me
Kanye: I love everybody... only thing I don't like is taxes.. me and taxes gone fight
Kanye: hold on.... I'm bout to hop on this #BABYMAMAJET the jets Billionaires give to they baby mamas or they 1rst 2nd or 3rd wife
Me: Okay! Talk later, boo.
Kanye: This is gonna be a dope ass day

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Little Known Fact: We Secretly Judge You Based On Your Astrological Sign

*Deep breath* Confession: When I see those astrological magnets in line at Whole Foods, I nod along at the accuracy of their descriptions. This is a big thing for me to admit and it probably seems borderline crazy. Accordingly, I have been known on occasion (read: every single time) to consult my horoscope to see if I am astrologically compatible with my new dude.

I will literally hold out until the last possible second to check our compatibility in the "stars" because if it says that we aren't a good match, it's a total downer. Where do you go from there? It's right there in black and white: he's an earth sign and I'm a fire sign. Earth and fire? It'll never work! It's out of my hands. Or, maybe he's a water sign and I'm a fire sign: he'll extinguish my fire. No wonder why we bicker constantly.

On the off-chance that it says that we are a sound match, I feel as pumped as if my mom had personally given him her seal of approval. It's like our union has been blessed by the heavens; like Orion himself has given us the go-ahead. How insane is that? I never pay attention to horoscopes otherwise, but when it comes to love matches, I'm hanging on every word.

I've dated all across the zodiac. There are even a few signs I've vowed to never date again. Sorry, Pisces, it's not you it's me. Actually, it's every horoscope I've ever consulted that says that we are a terrible love match. Is that weird? Am I the only one? Are there any signs that you'd never date again? Leave 'em in the comments.

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Things That Make Us Go "Yikes": I Will Secretly Judge You Based On How Well You Performed on the SATs

This is crazy because I took my SATs, what, 15 years ago? Not to toot my own standardized testing horn, but I scored very well. I don't bring it up often--because really, who does?--but occasionally after I've been seeing a guy for a while it creeps into conversation.

We divulge our scores to each other with caution because these could be potentially treacherous waters. There are only a few ways that this can go. And, really he can't win.

For instance, say he scored lower than me. Automatically, I feel strange. He feels strange. It hangs in the air like fart. At first I am pleased to have scored higher, but that's quickly replaced by disappointment that I scored higher. I imagine us as a high school couple in study hall; me using the time for the intended purpose of studying and him being kicked out for talking in the back of the classroom. Like Claire and Bender from The Breakfast Club, we'd never have worked--unless he gave me a diamond earring and agreed to date me to piss off my dad.

Or, if he scored higher than me then I get indignant and competitive. Who does this guy think he is? I want to re-take the test just to show him up.

In a rare third instance, the guy will confess to having never taken his SATs. He might has well have told me that he was born with a tail because it is clear that we are two separate species of animal. Can we even procreate? Will our children be circus freaks? If he never took his SATs, he'll be unimpressed by my score because to him it's all just a jumble of useless numbers--which is what they really are anyways.

The only way that this will not end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings is if we have the same score, or scored within 20 point of each other. Then, it would be considered a draw and I would be able to swiftly move on, satisfied that I've met my standardized testing match.

How nerdy am I that this is even an issue with me? Am I the only one who does this? (Probably.) Is this weird? (Definitely.) Is there anything that you irrationally judge a guy on? Let us know at hi@shmittenkitten.com or just leave it in the comments section.

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Things That Make Us Go "Yikes": We Sometimes Go Insane If You Don't Call Us Back

Hey, we aren't above turning the tables on us. There are times when we've bugged out about the dumbest things that we'd never admit to anyone. But, we're all buddies here. We can trust you, right?

With that said, we pretty much lose all sense of decorum when a guy we like doesn't return our call. As a general rule, we never call guys anyway so when we decide to call a guy and don't hear back, we release some kind of evil force into the universe. It's like some Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark-level shit. We could probably melt a Nazi's face off with our with rage.

For the next 24 hours, we oscillate between disbelief, anger, and shock: "I can't believe he's not calling me back" to "I wanna sock him in his nose for not calling me back" to "I am really fucking shocked that this guy is not calling me back."

We try to distract ourselves by catching up on our Netflix or meeting up with our friends for a drink, but every few hours we'll remember that we are on the receiving end of a silent phone and we'll get steaming mad all over again.

Something about a guy blowing us off flips some kind of primal psycho girl switch buried deep down inside of us. It's the same switch that thinks that eating raw cookie dough is a good idea or that Jordan Catalano would be the perfect boyfriend. Newsflash: eating cookie dough will give you a tummy ache and Jordan Catalano was a douche. Damn you, psycho switch! Damn you straight to hell.

The good news: you're only allowed to be psycho about this for up to two days. At that point, you pretty much have to cut your losses and get it out of your mind. This would also be a good time to practice good phone karma by thumbing through your rolodex and returning any calls you haven't answered. Only then will harmony be restored.

Whew. That felt good to get that off our chest. Is there anything that you guys do that makes you take a step back and say "yikes"? Email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com. Confess your yikes-ing-est moments to us. It's cool.

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