August 5, 2010

Me And Kanye Sitting In A Tree T-E-X-T-I-N-G

You so crazy, Kanye!
I'm not sure if you've seen Kanye West's twitter page recently, but it's pretty bonkers. He sounds straight-up unhinged. The Huffington Post slapped his tweets on New Yorker cartoons, which was genius.

It got me thinking about what it'd be like if I dated Kanye West and the kinds of conversations we'd have. I'd bet that he'd send me the most insane text messages. Seeing as I have an MFA in crazy texts, it wasn't too hard to imagine this scenario. Keep in mind that these are all real tweets he has written, pulled directly from his stream. I kept his grammar and spelling exactly as it appeared for full affect.
Me: Hey, babe. How are you? How'd you sleep?
Kanye: Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on
Me: You didn't sleep well? What have you done today?
Kanye: Up early in the morning taking meetings in Silicone Valley
Kanye: Lol I spelled Silicon wrong ( I guess I was still thinking about the other type of silicone ITS A PROCESS!! :)
Kanye: May hit the club.... it may happen!!!
Me: Dude, it's like 2pm. Isn't that a little early?
Kanye: you wanna know what goes through my mind in the early afternoon.... suits and Brazil yes!
Me: Haha. What?
Kanye: Office clothes are the shit
Me: I HATE office clothes. Gap khaki pants and thin cardigans? No thanks. I hate dressing like a secretary.
Kanye: Limitation spawns innovation
Me: I guess.
Kanye: Clothes are my drug
Me: I can see that.
Kanye: Let's have a toast!!!! skal!! THAT MEANS TOAST IN SWEDISH!!!
Me: You wanna have a toast? With what?
Kanye: GREEEEEEEY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!! hahhahahahahaaaaaa
Me: You already sound drunk. What are you drinking?
Kanye: Sipping Molnar Family Poseidin's Vineyard Chardonnay in the middle of the day sidebar out of gold cups for whatever that's worth
Me: Right. With your fronts in? You must look like Lil' Jon or some shit.
Kanye: No seriously ... I said my teeth are real diamonds... these are not fronts... I replaced my bottom row of teeth with diamonds.
Me: Sorry! I thought you were kidding. I'm sure they look amazing.
Kanye: Why is this girl showing me pictures of her Mom rt now hahhahahaaa hey I don't know what to say about this .... let me see more of you!!!
Me: I can't wait to show you more of me. Maybe, if you're good. Last time we talked, you seemed pretty irritated. What were you bummed out about again?
Kanye: I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh
Me: That's a drag. I think it's cool how you text me whenever you have a spare minute. You're so cute. I know I'm not a model like your last girl. Whatever. Models are dumb.
Kanye: Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes
Me: Haha. I love you.
Kanye: I love me
Kanye: I love everybody... only thing I don't like is taxes.. me and taxes gone fight
Kanye: hold on.... I'm bout to hop on this #BABYMAMAJET the jets Billionaires give to they baby mamas or they 1rst 2nd or 3rd wife
Me: Okay! Talk later, boo.
Kanye: This is gonna be a dope ass day

5 comments:

Phil said...

Fuck the New Yorker! This is hilarious.

APurpleHaze said...

This is awesome. I follow him on Twitter and this remix of his tweets is great.

LG said...

serious lulz... favorite post ever.

NRC said...

you genius

King said...

Brilliant!

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