August 4, 2009

Little Known Fact: I'm Not Interested In Grabbin' Coffee As A First Date

Full disclosure: a coffee shop during the daytime is not my best dating arena. It's like having a gladiator fight in a tea garden; it's not the proper venue for the moves I wanna execute. Is this something he suggested we do because this is what adults are expected to do, like paying our bills online or throwing a dinner party?

I'm not sold on this coffee date idea because I don't want to:
  • Meet you somewhere well-lit. We might as well have our first date in a dressing room at the Gap. Fuck that.
  • Make small talk with a semi-stranger (i.e. him) while I'm sober. It just doesn't sound fun or sexy. Sorry.
  • Run into someone I know. I'll introduce my date as a friend, but I'll ask it as a question like, "This is my friend? Pierre." Then, my buddy will detect my hesitation, picking up on the fact that I am on a first date. She will nod knowingly with a wide, fake smile and back away slowly with a hint of pity for me, like she just walked in me during a job interview that I'm tanking.
  • What if we hit it off? I'm not gonna grab a second cup of coffee. If we went out for a drink, at least I could grab another beer seamlessly. I guess that's the point of meeting at a cafe; to limit our interaction time but still, sometimes another beer goes a long way.
  • If he talks my ear off, I'll have to sit there with an empty coffee cup pretending to listen as I get increasingly more jittery. I'm already nervous! Now, I'm nervous AND jittery.
  • Say goodbye to him. Do I give him a handshake? A high five? A hug? A kiss on the cheek? I already know that we'll both will have coffee breath. Eh. Count me out.
Couldn't we have just met up at a wine bar? Or, a bar where he knows the bartender and can hook us up? To paraphrase James Van Der Beek in Varsity Blues, "I don't want your coffee date!"

14 comments:

Jon K said...

Not only do I agree with everything here, but I don't even like coffee. She may as well have suggested that we go out on a date to help her friend move into a 4th floor apartment, as far as I'm concerned.

Planet Caroline said...

Agreed. The coffee date is reserved for people I'm not that interested in. I have the coffee date for a caffeine pre-game before I go out for real.

Jilly B said...

Agree fully with this one. I always feel like an alcoholic when the coffee date is offered and I counter with a beer...

Rob said...

So where can a guy who's not into bars take girl for a first date?

Anna said...

@Jon K, haha!

@Caroline, that's great for you. As for me, I'd straight-up turn down a coffee date unless the guy was a stone cold fox and we met on the street and he said, "Hey, wanna grab a cup of coffee?" Spontaneous coffee dates are fine. Scheduled ones are LAME.

@Jilly, totally!

@Rob, Coffee on the go is ok, I think. How about grabbing coffee then sitting in the park? Or grabbing coffee and going to a museum? But if the entire date is just to drink coffee, well, it doesn't pique my interest.

Jon K said...

I'm the least qualified person ever to suggest a place that doesn't serve alcohol, but what about capogiros? Everyone loves the shit out of that place.

Anna said...

Jon, GOOD ONE! Yeah, some gelato and people watching at the park? I'd show up to that.

thesimplicity said...

Wow, this mad me suddenly realize why every coffee date I've ever had has gone south. You're right... you can't just keep slugging back cups. It's not like beer; after drinking too much, coffee will start to affect your motor skills and reaction time.

So the question is: what's a good place for an afternoon date? Lately I've been going to the shaved noodle place on Race Street. The food is good and it let's me get in at least one immature floppy white noodle joke. I think that sort of thing is important to throw out there early in a relationship.

Jon K said...

Anywhere outdoors. Obviously not in this shoot-myself-in-the-face heat, but for some reason it feels more relaxed, like if something goes wrong you can bolt in any direction and never be caught.

Also, shit is open during the day. Do touristy stuff. I've never met anyone diametrically opposed to the Mutter Museum.

Lora said...

@Jon K, I actually had a guy get totally weirded out when I suggested that we should go to the Mutter Museum. I guess that shoulda been a red flag! I've also dated a straight edge who considered coffee a serious drug... but I've always liked the zoo though. but then there are the guys that think its cruelty to animals. I can't win!

haveboard said...

really? seriously?

I had a much longer comment but it got eaten by the comment form.

thesimplicity said...

I took a girl to the Mutter Museum once. I thought it would be a cool ice breaker.

She never returned my calls after that. Either she died, or she really does not like seeing fetuses in jars on a first date.

Diane said...

To me, a coffee date is like only having a fraction of a date. That's just lame. You have coffee dates with a friend or coworker you want to catch up with - not with a guy/girl you're hoping to hit it off with. I didn't realize people would go to a coffee shop as the entire date. I've just had it as a place to tack on to keep a date going after dinner and a movie or walking around an outdoor mall (like 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, CA).
Anna, this post is genius and oh-so-true, once again.

Wendy said...

@Rob, how about a place that serves both coffee and alcohol? Like a restaurant or something. I had a guy take me out and said that he didn't drink but he didn't mind if I did. I said cool and ordered a giant margarita. It was a great date.

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