December 4, 2009

Bonerkiller: Blond Beards

Blonde girls have it easy; light body hair is always a blessing. Blond boys, however, have a tougher time dealing with it. Imagine knowing you will never come close to achieving the satisfaction of unbuttoning the first three buttons on your shirt to reveal a tuft of chest of hair that would make even Tom Selleck do a double take? It can definitely be a blow to one's ego. To compensate, some dudes choose to forgo shaving and make the full transformation into a blond Chia Pet. I'm sorry, a manly blond Chia Pet.

I've fallen victim to the boy with the blond beard before and that's why I realize the risk it poses. With most beards, you know what you're in for when you go in for that first smooch. But when you sneak attack me with your invisible, flesh-colored beard, of COURSE my initial reaction is to swat at it like it was a cat lunging at my face.

How did I not notice its creepiness earlier? Well, I've noticed now and I can't stop looking at the mossy growth on the lower half of your face and I can't decide if it would be better or worse if it were bushier and more noticeable. At least then I could have braced myself before making contact with the fuzzy flaxen fluff.

What's it doing there, anyway? Is it the messy remnants of a toasted coconut bar you wolfed down just before our date? Did you faceplant into sawdust on your way to meet me? Or maybe you scored a part-time gig as a model for Just for Men Gel? I hope it's one of the above, because if this is an expression of your manliness, I'm disappointed. Blonds don't do beards well. You just have to chalk it up as a win for the brunette team and move on with your life. There are plenty of other things blonds do better at, like having fun. So, go do that. Just shave before you do. Thanks, blondie.


Amanda Nan said...

I'm a fan of little to no body hair, so blond beards are a HUGE draw. The less hair the better I say!

Julia said...

My little bro has the flesh colored beard, I call him Pratt.

G+G said...

I'm a huge fan of beards, and I have to agree that brunettes do it better. However...I am currently, for the first time ever, crushing on a blonde beard. But it's not a lame half ass Pratt variety, no sir, we're talking a full on Viking beard here. So dreamy.

bianca said...

I've dated three blonds in the last two years --including my current boyfriend-- who are all fuzzy dudes, and I have to say that blond body hair, in general, is totes better than brunette body hair.

Yes, it's not super noticeable in beard form (and unless worn properly can make guys look super skeezy, super fast), but honestly if you're planning on takin' this farther, it's ..better to look at everywhere else. Specifically, back hair.

So yeah, just sayin.

Post a Comment