January 25, 2010

Bonerkiller: Weekend Early Risers

I will straight-up dump a guy who wakes up before 8am on a weekend, gets out of bed, tosses on a ratty sweatshirt then goes downstairs to putter around until I wake up. Sorry to try and catch some Zs on your dime, buddy. I didn't realize that by agreeing to a slumber party I'd have to scoot out of your house at the ass crack of dawn.

The worst is when he asks me the night before, "What time do you usually wake up? You're not gonna sleep in 'til 2pm, are you? 'Cause I usually wake up at around 7am." No, I'm not gonna sleep until 2pm; I'm not a depressed teenager. Sheesh. As R. Kelly sang, "it's the freakin' weekend, baby, I'm about to have me some fun." He didn't sing, "It's the freakin' weekend baby, I'm about to BOTHER THIS SLEEPING BEAUTY AND GUILT HER INTO WAKING UP BEFORE MOST PLACES ARE EVEN OPEN FOR BRUNCH."

What, are we on Wife Swap? Do I have to wake up to tend to farm animals? We are in a city in an apartment. Can't we just sleep in and get our snuggle on? Is laying around and giggling that unappealing to you? What's the rush?

Do you have to wake up because it's time to make the donuts? Do you have to deliver papers on your paper route? Do you have the early shift at Panera? Why are you up so early on a weekend? You're a cock-a-doodle-DON'T!

22 comments:

Lenore said...

nah being productive is hot.

Anna said...

Nope. Being snuggly and cracking me up is hot. Leaving a live woman in a warm bed before 10am on a weekend is RETARDED.

Amanda said...

"Leaving a live woman in a warm bed before 10am on a weekend is RETARDED."

Truer words have never been spoken.

Lenore said...

if they're not up by 10, i'll probably kick them out. i have stuff to do.

Phil said...

this might be a little too much "real talk" but guys who do this are also missing out on something pretty epic:

saturday AM nookie

Anna said...

Hey, I do it ALL for the nookie!

Brett said...

consider me a killer of your boner.

emmaleeradley said...

sheesh, what's so wrong with waking up early? HATER.

Anna said...

Haha. There is nothing wrong with waking up early, if you want to do it. However, it is superfuckingannoying when you want to sleep in a bit and cuddle and the dude sprints outta bed like he has to save the world at 8am on a Saturday.

He can wake up early any other day and run his precious errands/ ride his stupid bike. But, if I'm there all wrapped up in his sheets and he can't muster up a bit of enthusiasm about that fact: FUCK IT!

jimmy said...

alright, i'm just going to put this out there... there are a lot of things you ladies tend to complain about that i am indeed guilty of. however, if i get out of bed at 7am to go run it's because i don't want to lay in bed with you cuddling and giggling.

sometimes it's not that guys are just complete morons, which granted we're teeming with stupidity on so many levels, it's simply that we're not that into you. essentially this tends to boil down to more stupidity in that we're just not being as direct as we should, but that's for another day.

Anna said...

Jimmy, I hear ya. I could totally see why you'd say that. And, it's totally possible that he's just not feelin' it. Which makes sense.

But, I've dated guys who I KNOW were into me, but they'd just never want to hang out in bed on a weekend. They'd schedule social events wickedly early but then ask to meet me later that day to go out again. So, it's not like they didn't want to see me; they just didn't want to get our cuddle on I guess??

And, I'm not talking about a one-night stand. I'm talking about dudes I'd kicked it with for a few weeks, even months, that would introduce me to their friends, take me out to dinner, etc. But he'd be really weird about just hanging out on a weekend. I don't fucking know.

Mark said...

Yeah, ok, but what am I supposed to do for the next 3 hours while you lie snoozing away happily? Stare at the ceiling? I know I'm not going back to sleep. Especially since I'm going to be all horny. No, the best option is to get up, do my morning routine, and hopefully you'll be awake and receptive and I won't taste like stale cigarettes and booze and dried spit on the side of my face.

Anna said...

Haha, Mark!

jimmy said...

for fuck's sake, this is like listening to my ex wife describe my actions. every girl should have a blog like this, life would be so much easier.

Sarah said...

Anna, I am with the guys on this one. I hate wasting the day lying in bed but my husband wishes I would. So we compromised and I drink my coffee and read in bed while he is ready to wake up.

Anna said...

Wasting the day? I'm talking about sleeping until, like, 9am! On a Saturday! After a date that involved drinking and schtuff.

Sorry, guys. I still think it's retarded to pop out of bed so early on a WEEKEND after a fun date.

I'm sure if I was married to a fella, we'd settle into our own routines, but so early on, this guy has to pretend that he wants to stick around a little bit!

T said...

I'm pretty certain most early rising (and not the good kind) has been attributed to a certain gaming station ..PS3, Xbox..I've grown to hate Modern Warfare and all these fancy new games that can be linked online.

Lora said...

Anna is 100% correct. Hands down, end of story. I know you're talking about sleeping in until mid-morning or just that extra hour, BUT I know guys that will sleep waaaay into the afternoon. Cuddle, eat, sleep, movie, repeat. Coming from someone who works like a kajillion hours a week, there is no better way to spend a day off.

Eric E. said...

I'm in the Anna, Amanda, Lora camp on this. All thriving relationships should incorporate an occasional day in which the only reason to move away from the warm cuddlefreak in your bed is to: (1) Dash to the kitchen for more food, (2) Change the DVD or video game, (3) Grab the newspaper and a pen, or (4) Answer the door for the take-out you just ordered. On major cold-weather holidays, add (5) Check on the turkey/goose that's roasting in the oven (pls note that I don't mean this euphemistically).

Anna said...

Eric, YES!!! Totally!

Diane said...

Best ranting post ever. (I know I'm a little late in reading it, but still.) I totally agree with you, Anna. Plus, it sucks to try to still sleep in a bed after the guy has already gotten up and started moving around.

Nick said...

I always have races on Saturday morning. You know the race will be there like 3 months in advance, but you never know if the girl will be.

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