January 21, 2010

Oh No He Di'int Make Me Feel Bad For Wearing Heels

My best friend's fiance is a full foot taller than her. Because the average height of my beaus have clocked in around 5'8, she and another taller friend often tease me for ''dating short guys.'' At 5'4, I've never really given ''tall men'' or ''short men'' a second thought. That is, until a guy I'm seeing comments on my heels.

When you, dude of average height, make yourself involved with my footwear and decide to make it a negative issue about your height, it's on! Actually, it's off because I'm totally turned off by your height insecurity.

I've enjoyed wearing heels since the tender age of seven, when I used to steal them from my mom's closet and tap dance on our hardwood floor. She used to yell at me for doing that, but this is different! I don't need a passive aggressive dude grunting about my heels when we're out together. What's your deal?!

After a decade+ of being forced to see up people's nostrils, I'm on top of the world with an extra three inches under my feet. It's easier to scope out who has a receding hairline now, and I really like the important, clicky sound my tootsies make when I excuse myself from the table.

When I've primped for your friend's wedding /holiday party /a night on the town and I greet you in a smashing little black dress, your gaze should be fixed on my boomin' body, not my pumps. When you blubber, "Oh, you're wearing heels tonight?" you understand why I want to take them off my feet and swiftly thrust them towards a vulnerable place on your body, right?

What really gets me is that it's not some Alice in Wonderland-esque occurrence. I didn't suddenly grow 4 inches. And, it's not a permanent transformation. We're going to a dressy event and if you can't handle me being the same height as you for three hours, then I think you need more self-esteem or a shorter girlfriend.

Before you made this a stressful situation, in my eyes, we were both winners. How? This is in your favor, buddy: I'm easier to kiss when I'm taller! Technically, my boobs are closer to your face and I'm thrilled I get to pretend I'm 5'7 for two hours. Can't we call this a victory together?

So, yes, my track record states I've dated men of ''below average height.'' It also indicates that I've dated a ton of creeps, so go ahead and ask me again if I'm wearing heels, and make yourself two for two.

[Note from Anna: I had to toss in my two cents here. As a 6'1 woman who likes to date much shorter guys, I never wear heels.  It's not because I'm concerned for their feelings either. In fact, I love how they have to stand on a step to kiss me. It's one of my favorite things about life!

However, I physically cannot wear high heels. I tumble over like a newborn giraffe. I have a theory: I have really small toes and I don't think that they are capable of working in a high heel situation. They're really small, like the size of homemade gnocchi. My small toes make high heel walking impossible. (Where's my Facebook group?) All you girls that can rock pumps, go on with your bad self. I'll be in the corner standing steadily in my flats.]


Amanda said...

This is one issue I've never had. I guess the one benefit of being 5' tall is that I could wear stilts and most dudes would still be taller than me. But I have gotten similar incredulous reactions to wearing a dress. "A dress?" It's a freakin' sundress, dude, it's not like I expect a yacht ride or anything.

Helen said...

I remember getting this over pointy toe heels, or stilettos. As in, "are you going to stab me with those?" Now I might. On the plus side, like Amanda, I'm still short even in mine.

Diane said...

I have to live with the tall girl/high heels dilemma. I'm 5'9, so when I put on heels, I'm really tall for most guys. But I have a really hard time finding flats (or even short heels) that I think look good on me. I like dressing up in heels - they look hot! It drives me crazy when a guy gets self-conscious because now I'm the same height as (or heaven forbid, taller than) him. It's a bummer, really. I can't change how tall I am, and I don't need another thing to feel self-conscious about. I dated a guy that is shorter than me even without the heels, and he was fine with it. Can't we just go out, have fun and ignore whether or not our eyes line up when we stand next to each other? Is it really THAT big of a deal?
By the way, Bianca, you made an EXCELLENT point about the closer vicinity to lips and boobs.

Anonymous said...

I'm five feet and wear heels pretty much every day. Usually, guys think it's sexy...and if they don't, then perhaps they should think about those raggedy New Balances they've been wearing for 10 years...

FaceMeltingDesigns said...

Wow, I didn't know 5'8" was the average height. Maybe it's a city thing. I must be a veritable giant at 6'2". Maybe I'll take the train to the city and destroy some skyscrapers or something.

Jenna Davis said...

As Anna's tall BFF and partner in crime, I clock in at 5'11" barefoot, and I loooove heels. Most of mine start at 4". I always hear people say things like "why are you wearing heels, you are too tall". Don't they know that is insulting, not to mention annoying. My Dad is 6'5", I come by it honestly and I've been tall all my life. Sorry Sherlock, this is NOT the first time I've heard your astute observation. I would never tell someone they are too skinny, too short, or too fat now would I?
I just simply cannot date someone that has a problem with my height or the fact that my legs are 44" long hip to toe on a good day. My dude is a little shorter than me, so in heels I'm quite a bit taller and he thinks it's beautiful. I say if your man can't handle the heels, he probably can't handle your awesomeness either!

roboconcept said...

Oh, people hate on heels because they're worried about a height difference? I'm just a relentless pragmatist myself. What if our dinner date turns into an urban footrace? If my outstanding warrants which initially made me so attractive to your worst nature come to boot and we have to outrun the police? If I wanna take you to that cool spot over the tracks you have to climb over a chain-link to get to? And so forth.

tip of the hat: Your lack of any primping or unneeded acoutrements melts my heart.

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