January 21, 2010

Little Known Fact: Apparently, I'm the Gateway Drug to Having a Girlfriend

You may not think you want a girlfriend now, but after you date me, I can guarantee you'll want to lock it down. How do I know? I am the gateway drug to a relationship. Like how after-school specials warn you about the dangers of weed, I will unlock the door to your relationship desires. Dating me will make you hunger for more commitment. With someone else.

While we're dating, you'll act aloof, distant and slightly morose. You'll be thinking about the last serious relationship you had i.e. the one that makes me think that you actually know how to be in one. But, whoops! It turns out that you're not completely over it! And, whoops! It took us banging for you to figure it out!

And after you explain how you're "really not ready" to go to the movies/zoo/drinks with me anymore, I'll feel mildly sorry for you. I'll think, "Geez, that last GF must have done a number on him." And then, like a docile pothead transformed into a raging crackhead, two months later we'll run into each other at the bowling alley and you'll have another girl on your arm. Suddenly you're cured of your relationship ills and you're hooked on the stuff! Oh look at you being such a devoted and charming boyfriend laughing with her friends, taking her out to nice dinners and showering her with affection. You're a full-blown relationship junkie, by the look of it.

Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. One hit of me and you'll be boyfriend material--for someone else--in no time. 

9 comments:

Maggie said...

i was SO this person during college. just when i accepted the fact that my crush/fling didn't want anything serious with me, he'd show up at a party with his new official girlfriend or get back together with his ex and broadcast it on facebook.

ohh, how fun those times were...please note my sarcasm.

Anna said...

THIS HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME. Usually his new girl is really fucking short too, which is an entire 'nother layer of sting.

Ugh x a million.

Anna said...

This is some Good Luck Chuck shit right here.

Michaelangelo said...

Hey, I feel like the male version of you.

Fritsky said...

Julie, we must be dating the same men, because I relate to this and all of your other posts. I had this happen to me with the most notoriously non-committal d-bags I've ever dated. After me, he got right into a relationship.

Diane said...

Julie shall be the president of our new club, and I'll be the representative from Southern California, just checking it to report the frustrations being maintained on the West Coast. However, I do need to add to this collection, not only did I get a guy hooked on the serious girlfriend drug, I got another guy to do a 180 on marriage (with someone else of course). W...T...F...

Rachael said...

YES! I am the chick version of Good Luck Chuck. Maybe we can find other gateway-ers and wait in the wings for their sloppy seconds?

This could work...

FMDL said...

This is my life at this very moment. At least you have me laughing about it!

tatyana said...

Yes. This is so real.

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