January 14, 2010

Quick Rant: You're Tweeting Too Hard

I know it's hard to keep up: one minute we're all updating our MySpace profiles and saying, "thanks for the add!" And then next thing you know, everyone's packed up and moved to greener, less glittery .giffed pastures. The newest bandwagon social media site, of course, is Twitter. It's not exactly new, but it's reached that weird mainstream point where if the O.C. was still on (R.I.P.), Seth Cohen would have definitely namedropped it ad nauseum already.

So you'd think the 140-character limit would naturally impose some limitations in ways you could annoy people, but Twitter seems to be doing quite well in that regard. So, let's lay down some ground rules:
1. If you're replying to someone's tweet, keep the back-and-forth conversation to maybe two or three tweets tops, any more and you're just texting, EXCEPT WE ALL HAVE TO READ EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR TEXTS. Take it offline, Champ.

2. Stop auto-tweeting. The occasional "Hey, I posted a new blog" is a good reminder, but if your twitter goes off every single time you post another Formspring question on your tumblr page or every time you check into your own house on Foursquare, it's gonna get old real quick.

3. Stop complaining. If every third tweet is about how you had to stay late at work or your coffee wasn't made "just right," just know that all your followers are moments away from making their own complaint about making the decision to follow you.

4. If you're stuck in a really boring situation and the only solution is that you have to livetweet your way through it, it's not an ideal situation for your followers, but I understand. I've been there. Just make sure that every single thing you tweet is fucking hilarious or you're doing it wrong. If you can't deliver on that promise, you're not allowed to livetweet anything.

5. Whoa whoa whoa. Careful with that re-tweet button. I realize that YOU may find all the people you follow extremely interesting, but remember that's why you're the one following them. I'm not. I don't give a shit. Use discretion.

6. Right before you press send on that tweet, just remember that even though it seems like the dashboard is your little private universe, it's not. We're all reading your tweets and judging you for them. We can see your flirtatious tweets to that boy we all know you have a crush on and your boss can see that tweet you just wrote about needing tips on updating your resume. Always think before you tweet, "Is this something I'm comfortable standing up at my cubicle and shouting to everyone in earshot?" If so, tweet away!
Hopefully this makes our twitter lives all a little easier, so I don't have to secretly unfollow you and hope you never notice. With that said, are you following Shmitten Kitten? 'Cause you should.


Jon K said...


3a: Using Twitter almost exclusively to complain about twitter. Of course other people using the program are doing it wrong; people do everything wrong. Updating your followers every 4 minutes as to the degree of wrongness with which things are being done only exascerbates the situation.

Tender Branson said...

Hilarious. See I've been doing some things wrong. By the way, my coffee is cold and it has really ruined my day.

Phil said...

Haha! Sorry about your coffee!

These are really just meant to be funny. I think I pissed off a lot of my real-life friends on Twitter who thought I was openly shit-talking them.

Honestly, twitter is what you make of it. If you don't like what other people are tweeting, you don't have to follow them.

I've definitely been guilty of doing every single thing I mentioned above at one point or another.

Michaelangelo said...

Great post, even though I'm subjectively accountable for a number of those things. At any rate, what you said about retweeting can apply to all of them - use discretion.

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