January 15, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Drafty Windows

My teeth are chattering, my toes are little toe-shaped popsicles, and I can see my breath when I exhale in your living room. If I listen hard, I'm pretty sure that I can hear the wind rushing in through the cracks around the window sills. WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE?

I get that you're trying to keep your heating costs down, but couldn't you get your Home Depot on and affix plastic sheeting around your drafty windows? Throw me a winter preparedness bone, here!

A rubber glove would provide more insulation than these flimsy, drafty "windows." Are they made of Saran Wrap? I'm considering stripping down and flinging myself into a long, hot shower to warm up, but the thought of having to exist in your freezing house with wet hair makes me want to cash out my (paltry) 401k and buy a one-way ticket to somewhere tropical like in Stella Got Her Groove Back. (I've never watched the movie but I imagine that a guy's cold house might have been a component to the plot.)

I'm like Raymond BURRRRRR in Perry Mason. I own a horse named Mr. Ed and my name is WilBURRRRRRR! I'm John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and I'm dancing to the song "BURRRRRRRRn, baby, BURRRRRRRn."

In other news, I'm still cold. And, that makes me sad. *shiver*


Anonymous said...

drafty windows remind me of my off-campus college house in upstate new york. i was cold for four years. BURRRRRRst my bubble.

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