February 1, 2010

Bonerkiller: His Feminine Hands

Everything is going so well tonight. I'm loving this French restaurant you chose. I'm loving your animated stories. I'm gazing into your eyes imagining what our children will look like when I notice your hand wrapped around the stem of your wineglass.

Wow. You've got some ladylike fingers going on, buddy. They're so slender. And small. And pampered. Fuck! Now I can't look away. You basically have a Barbie hand. This is the hand you give handshakes with? It'd be like shaking hands with a little girl at a tea party! How did I NOT notice this before? I don't need a full-on Tom Selleck bear claw, but I'd like a pair of hands that look like they've hauled something off a truck before. The only thing you've probably hauled are cream puffs out of a pink pastry box.

Maybe this could be good for your career. Seriously, you could be a Palmolive soap hand model. You could turn over the letters in Wheel of Fortune. You could demonstrate how to wear a bracelet on QVC. You have a lot of options, I'd imagine.

Unfortunately for you, I cannot possibly imagine your hands on any part of my body. I just did a body shudder thinking about you touching my body. Those are the unsexiest hands I've ever seen! I mean, you have the hands of an Olsen twin. I can't...I can't...I can't do this.

I gotta go.

11 comments:

D.J. Allie Slice said...

"I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys...we're a different breed."

Meg said...

This is the first thing I notice about a man, regardless of my attraction to him. I can't help it; if he has small, dainty hands, I can't take him seriously, let alone consider dating him. I have very (and I mean very) few standards among looks for men, but this is a deal breaker.

Amber said...

SUCH a deal breaker!

I was at the end of my dating rope and consented to going on SIX dates with a guy with small hands, against my better judgment who turned out to be--wait for it--a total dickbag ANYWAY. But every time I talked about him with my BFF Lauren, we'd sing that Jewel song, "My hands are small I know, but they're not yours, they are my own."

And now I'm on guyatus.

Tamron Lohan said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C89uOeDL9Gw&feature=related

Philip Cristiano said...

This has made me quite self conscious now. I think I have to go scuff up my hands with some manual labor.

raena said...

you are my new blog crush. oh man.

pattypunker said...

i think we all know the hand-joystick correlation. get out quick before you have to ask if it's in yet.

sabrina said...

Thank you! For years I've been describing my type as, you know, 'a regular guy, someone who, like, builds things.' There's something really hot about a guy with rough hands and I don't really even care if by 'building things' it's as little as putting together an Ikea cabinet, just keep the delicate hands away...

Jaime said...

I am exceedingly particular about a guy's hands and always have been. Granted, I don't want it to look like you sand 4x4's with your knuckles. But at the same time, I don't want you to have soft dainty phalanges accompanied by a lanky, feminine nail bed. You have vampire hands, dude. Get the hell away from me!

Kehilla Monster said...

I am a firm believer that hands are a good indicator of what another body part will look like. I can only speak from my limited experience. Watch out for those girly-hands and too-small fingers.

Anonymous said...

Amen, sister!!

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