February 1, 2010

Little Known Fact: You Look Like An Asshole In Every Picture I've Seen

*flip, flip, flip* Don't you have any pictures where you look like a normal human being? You make a weird face in every. single. picture. you're in. Here are the repeat offenders:
The Mugshot: God forbid you smile! You look like you got busted for shoplifting at Urban Outfitters and had your picture taken in the backroom. Is this really you? Because it looks like I put the Oz DVD on pause. I've seen Amber alerts with more pizazz.

The Twee Ceiling Eyeroll: I have no idea why you think this pose is cute, but this is your stand-by look. It's really weird to see a guy make this face, with his eyes sweetly looking up at the sky like he's composing his own conversation heart message in his head. Are you in Camera Obscura? Do you get excited about cupakes? Do you have an Etsy site where you sell anatomically-correct hearts screenprinted onto oven mitts and dishtowels? You are not Amelie! You cannot pull off this pose.

The Crucial Brutal Metal Face: Your face is contorted, like you are yanking God's balls right off his body. It's amusing for one or two takes, but a whole roll of this? You're trippin'. 

The Little Kid Supersmile: Both of your eyes are closed and you are making the widest grin in every picture. What the fuck? Did you just get a G.I. Joe for your fifth birthday? Did you just get promoted from cub scout to whatever rank is above cub scout?

The Impromptu Gang Sign: It's like having a "thanks for the add!" MySpace glitter .gif come to life. That's not a good thing. 
Honestly, I hate all of your picture poses. Can't you just smile at the camera and leave it at that? Is it too much to ask that you channel George Clooney or Johnny Depp and project some manly confidence? Oh well. I guess having a camera pointed at your face turns you into a freakazoid.

Did we miss any photo offenders? Leave 'em in the comments.

9 comments:

Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

I have a friend who is the master of the "Ernest Takes A Picture" faces. If Jim Varney has ever made that face in promotion for an Ernest movie, please, please, PLEASE keep it out of my pictures. There was a reason Ernest always went to Jail or Camp and never to my apartment.

Maggie said...

my boyfriend does this weird thing where he slightly leans his head back, juts his chin out, and grins without showing teeth in EVERY PICTURE. like a goofy 6-year-old or something. i don't even think he realizes it; it's just a freak natural reaction he has whenever a camera is raised. he was recently a groomsman and single-handedly ruined the couple's wedding party photo with this signature move. creep!

dani said...

maggie: i love that you totally called out that your bf ruined wedding photos! hilarious!

Maggie said...

dani don't even get my started! the boy refused to shave his facial stubble that day too. clearly an argument ensued, but i lost. typical.

bianca said...

"are you in camera obscura? do you get excited about cupcakes?" got an obnoxiously loud giggle from me

Anonymous said...

On top of stupid face signature moves I'd like to add that it's totally unappealing to see every photo of someone in the same setting. Webcam in bed? Band shots? Photos of themselves drinking in 50 different bars? WE GET IT! Mix it up a little. It's OKAY to have different emotions in different locales.

Anonymous said...

it's webelo, the rank above cub scouts. it was meant to be short hand for We Be Loyal Scouts but even the 12 year old me knew it as We-blow because we aren't old enough to camping alone...

Chelsea Rae said...

The Duck Face needs to die.
http://antiduckface.com/

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