The Mugshot: God forbid you smile! You look like you got busted for shoplifting at Urban Outfitters and had your picture taken in the backroom. Is this really you? Because it looks like I put the Oz DVD on pause. I've seen Amber alerts with more pizazz.Honestly, I hate all of your picture poses. Can't you just smile at the camera and leave it at that? Is it too much to ask that you channel George Clooney or Johnny Depp and project some manly confidence? Oh well. I guess having a camera pointed at your face turns you into a freakazoid.
The Twee Ceiling Eyeroll: I have no idea why you think this pose is cute, but this is your stand-by look. It's really weird to see a guy make this face, with his eyes sweetly looking up at the sky like he's composing his own conversation heart message in his head. Are you in Camera Obscura? Do you get excited about cupakes? Do you have an Etsy site where you sell anatomically-correct hearts screenprinted onto oven mitts and dishtowels? You are not Amelie! You cannot pull off this pose.
The Crucial Brutal Metal Face: Your face is contorted, like you are yanking God's balls right off his body. It's amusing for one or two takes, but a whole roll of this? You're trippin'.
The Little Kid Supersmile: Both of your eyes are closed and you are making the widest grin in every picture. What the fuck? Did you just get a G.I. Joe for your fifth birthday? Did you just get promoted from cub scout to whatever rank is above cub scout?
The Impromptu Gang Sign: It's like having a "thanks for the add!" MySpace glitter .gif come to life. That's not a good thing.
Did we miss any photo offenders? Leave 'em in the comments.