March 4, 2010

Bonerkiller: Watching A Guy Who Never Jumps Try To Jump

As Third Eye Blind pleaded, I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in! You know why? Because you look like an asshole when you try to jump over anything.

Face it: Your body is not programmed to jump. In the animal kingdom, you would definitely be classified as a flightless bird. Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but guys with beer bellies and asthma don't compete in high jump competitions for a reason.

This is embarrassing. It's like your feet are two cinder blocks and you're trying to will them over that curb. Your fists are clenched and your eyes are shut tight like you're trying to coerce your body to move in a way it never could. Your legs are clearly not used to jumping. They seem as pumped about this stunt as I am i.e. not at all.

It's not gonna work! I feel like a NASA protester in the '60s: You belong on the ground. Just be happy with that, Icarus. Oh lord. I can't even watch.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You on the other hand... Anna please post a video of your sexiness jumping, perhaps on a bed. Say yes.

Anna said...

Whoa! I have to say, this gave me a good laugh. Haha. HAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

i dont even understand this one. sorry.

Anna said...

What can I say? It is what it is.

Karoshi said...

What kind of jump was it? A double-dutch skip? Mario stomp? 540 Moonsault from the top turnbuckle?

Anna said...

He was a chubby guy trying to jump over a curb. It looked weird!

pattypunker said...

the opener to this post was classic! i wouldn't be able to look at that either.

juliahays said...

I've noticed the same thing when people try to take those mid-air jumping photos to post on their Facebook. It's sad when you're only an inch above the ground.

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