April 27, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys That Wear Tank Tops

From our reader Amber, who says, "No tank you" to tank tops on guys. See what I did there? I turned the word "thank" and into "tank." Did you laugh? Come on! Not even just a little? Sheesh. Tough crowd. *tugs at collar*
This isn't even a post about wearing socks with flip flops!
So it’s Sunday. We slept in. We decide to have brunch with friends. We throw some clothes on, nothing fancy. You put on a white wifebeater. I wait for you to throw a t-shirt on over it, but apparently you have finished assembling your outfit.

Listen dude, you’re cute and all, but no guy is that cute. You’re not exactly the tanned, super muscular man that was modeling that tank top on the package from Target. And even if you were, it would still be embarrassing (your unfinished upper arm tattoos and farmer’s tan aren't helping your case either).

“But it’s comfortable, who cares?" you say. I care. How the hell am I supposed to walk around with the guy wearing the tank top. Your toxic combo of armpit hair and an unnecessary amount of skin showing is going to make a lot of people uncomfortable. There will be families where we’re going for Christ’s sake. No one needs to see that much man-shoulder.

If I wanted to spend the day with Kid Rock or one of the guys from Jersey Shore, I would have said so. I’m embarrassed that this is a normal shirt for you when I’m not around. For now, can you just put on something with sleeves so we can get on with our day.
Honestly, this has never happened to me, but I can understand where you're coming from. I have the opposite problem: I usually roll with guys who insist on wearing a shirt when they go to bed. Instead of catching Zs, we're bickering about him decked out in an old shirt he got at Warped Tour in 2003. FUCK THAT NOISE! Pop that shit off, homie.

We should get together and write a song about dudes in shirts. We'll call it "Shirt Shit."


al said...

First, just to be clear, I don't own a tank top - not even one.

That said, the flip side for women is equally as unacceptable, and unfortunately it's so terribly trendy right now (thanks a lot Olsen Twins).

What I speak of is, of course, no pants. No, it's not okay to go out without pants on. No, those tights are not pants. No, that shirt is not long enough to be a dress. Yes, I can see your jibbles. I use the term jibbles because, well, in those tights they're all mashing together and I can't really tell which jibble is what so... jibbles.

No, I don't mind seeing your jibbles. I've seen those jibbles. I've KNOWN those jibbles. However I want to avoid having to explain the intricacies of the female anatomy to my young nephew at the family BBQ, and I certainly don't want the nice, old lady at the brunch place to shake her head in disgust that hard, she's going to pop something.

Wool skirt and leggin's in the winter... oh yes, please, by all means, but the operative word here is "skirt."

Homer Simpson said...

Don't you hate pants?

Lora said...

i have ALWAYS hated tank tops on guys. A decade ago as a freshman in high school, I was beyond stoked to be dating a supercute popular senior boy. Until he showed up at my locker one day in a white wifebeater after gym class and all my excitement faded. Even though I was a shy insecure teenager who wanted nothing more than to be cool, I knew in my heart that I could not compromise my values and date someone with a tank top, no matter how cool everyone else thought he was. sigh.

and i agree with al. put some pants on.

Aimee said...

Is that K-Fed? so many things wrong with the photo aside from the tank top.

Would also like to emphasize that part of the reason tank tops are repulsive to me is the armpit hair. I don't want to see it. I don't want guys to shave it either; it's just not something I really want to have to deal with. Ditto (and extra emphasis)for back hair/

Lilja said...

the white ribbed wife-beaters have white trash written all over them... but I am of the opinion that tank tops on men CAN be done right...

Exhibit A:


loey said...

@ lilja, that was like 1984. it doesn't count anymore!

Post a Comment