April 9, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Pick Up My Guitar And Do A Spontaneous Serenade

I ran to the kitchen to fix us some snacks and when I came back to my room, I found him sitting on the edge of my bed playing my guitar. I stood in the doorway for a second, watching him. He clearly had some chops.

At first, I smiled. "Wow, I didn't know you could play guitar. That's great." But, he didn't stop. He started singing.

And, that's when it got weird for me.

It was like John Mayer possessed his body or something. He closed his eyes and started hittin' some high notes. When he finally opened his peepers, he tried to make meaningful eye contact with me while he was singing.

I don't expect him to know this since it's only our third date, but I HATE when people look at me when they're singing. It makes me self-conscious: Should I return this meaningful gaze? Should I sway back and forth with a lighter in the air? Should I burst into tears like that little girl who met Sanjaya? He just turned my cozy bedroom into open mic night at the Peach Pit.
I feel like this is something he saw in a movie as a slick move to "seal the deal." Speaking of movies, I'd totally smash this guitar to put an end to this impromptu serenade like John Belushi did in Animal House except that it's my guitar and, yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Honestly, I'd prefer it if he'd leave the singer/songwriter act for the buskers in the park. Just leaf through a magazine and wait for me to come back with another round of beers. Is that so hard?


Justin Howe said...

Leaf through a magazine? You know I can't read or write.

Anna said...

I have a few comic books. At the very least, you can look at the pictures!

Anonymous said...

No way. Having a guitar at my lady's house makes it possible for her to spend all the time she wants getting ready without me getting those "I've already thumbed through all your magazine" eyes. Maybe the eye contact part of your serenade is questionable... Or maybe you just were not into this dude. The guitar stays!

Anonymous said...

i love that snacks = more beers

Anonymous said...

Yeah the playing/eye contact combo has got to go, I also feel self-conscious/awkward when that happens.

July July July said...

If this happens again and your beau starts making eye contact, just start picking your nose.

Have you ever made eye contact with someone picking their nose? It's impossible, problem solved!!

Meg said...

I totally, 100% agree with this post. There's something about a dude picking up my guitar and singing (usually with a terrifyingly breathy voice) that kills all chances of us ever having a relationship. Maybe it's the music major (read: music snob) part of me, but I will not like your singing voice. I'm desperately trying to think of a situation in which a private acoustic singing experience would be sexy... hell, even cute isn't flying. It's just not happening. Eye contact or no eye contact, step away from the guitar.

However, you jamming out on an electric guitar, making slash moves and hamming it up like you're Marty at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance? That's hot. More please.

Maybe it's a ballad thing.

al said...

What If:

The guy can't really play guitar all that well, or sing for that matter, and the song is written on-the-fly, especially for you. As in, "I wrote a song for you, wanna hear it? Here it goes."

I'm just sayin' - that's my move (or David Allen Grier's)

Note: songs are very short, and extremely ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

I hate when people look at me when they're singing too! Do I sing WITH them? What if I don't know the words? Do I smile? What if it's a sad song? JUST LOOK AT YOUR FINGERS!

Anonymous said...

Hell, they can play the guitar (or uke, violin, bass, etc.) so long as they don't aim the music at me, and I'm not trying to talk to them/listen to something else while they're doing it.

About 90% of my friends are musicians, as is my boyfriend. I can't expect them not to fiddle around with my instruments. Just don't try to serenade me. That's creepy.

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