April 4, 2010

Bonerkiller: Move Bluffers

"Sit down. I gotta tell you something."

"Alright. What's up?" I'm slightly concerned. The only things this guy is ever serious about are discussing Metallica's tragic career trajectory and deciding who will go on a beer run. I furrow my brow.

He takes a deep breath. "I'm moving. To Austin." He watches my face.

"Yeah, right. When?"

"By June. I've already told my roommates. It's like, totally gonna happen. I just wanted to let you know."

"Ha! Sure. Whatever you say. Why Austin? You don't even know anyone in Austin," I point out.

"I'll stay with my buddy Doug from school. He says he can get me a job at the bar he works at. I'll do that until I get on my feet. I just gotta get out of this city, man. Clear my head, you know?" 

Oh-kay. Sorry I'm not bursting into tears, but here's the thing: THIS MOVE WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Wasn't it just eight months ago that you sat me down to break the news that you were gonna move to London? Do you just spin a globe and decide you're gonna move to wherever you randomly point? Are you gonna move to the Mariana Trench next? How about Uranus? Why don't you just move to a new galaxy.

When I was in college, practically every guy I knew droned on about moving to San Diego. After college, practically every guy I knew droned on about moving to Portland. San Francisco was kicked around for a good year, too. However, none of these guys ever followed through. Instead of the Boy Who Cried Wolf, it's the Boy Who Cried "I'm Moving." 

As someone who's moved more than a few times, a part of me looks down on move bluffers. I've had going away parties because I was actually moving away. It takes a lot of guts to pick up your crap and relocate to another city. But, it seems when push comes to shove, something always comes up to delay these guys' plans. Maybe they need to put their money into fixing their car. Maybe they realized that this city isn't so terrible after all. Maybe they just got plain ol' lazy. Whatever the reason, to paraphrase TLC, I don't want no move bluffer.


Anonymous said...

I pulled this line on a guy last year. I was like "I'm moving to NYC." That didn't deter him, and I ended up staying because I thought he was "the one." Turns out, I should've moved to NYC.

Anonymous said...

love the TLC shout out. LEFT-EYE!!

kreamnsugar said...

lol, my boyfriend and my guy friends always pull shit like that...they'd be like "I'm definitely going to (insert major city here) next month. I just need to clear my head." and I'm thinkin' if you can't clear it here, then you can't clear it anywhere, dumbass!

Anonymous said...

you got it

Anonymous said...

That happened once to my best friend. They broke up after his girlfriend told him she planned to move to England within the year.

I actually bluffed a move once, but (a) I wasn't seeing anyone and (b) it was an April Fool's Joke, perhaps the best I ever pulled. Is it still acceptable under those circumstances?

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