April 4, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Glad: Fancy Hand Soap

Seriously, this smells like Justin Bieber's neck
It's always a crap shoot when you pump the hand soap bottle in his house. There are a few ways this could go:
  1. Worst case: It's empty. Lovely. It's like the fake turkey on the table in Arrested Development. Is this a prop? Am I on a film set? Does this toilet even work?

  2. Medium case: It has been injected with faucet water in an attempt to re-animate it to its once soapy glory. Texture-wise, it feels like washing up in a boxer's spit bucket.

    Sorry, Dr. Frankenstein, but your efforts to transform this watery soap into actual soap literally fell flat. There is one bubble in my palm and it's looking at me like it's about to commit suicide. You literally burst this bubble's bubble by giving him no bubble buddies to pal around with. Pathetic!

  3. Better case: It dispenses soap with respectable lathering properties. Dial or Dove liquid soaps fall into this category. His mom probably bought it for him at the dollar store. Fair enough.

  4. Best case: This soap is something that he went out of his way to purchase or maybe it was a present from a gay friend. It smells pleasant yet neutral, like a basil leaf or sweet water. The lather could be described as luxurious, even. My hands are soft and smell like I high-fived nature. Well done! If there was a survey card about your hand soap, I'd rate it highly and enthusiastically write "keep up the great work!" in the comment section.
Yeah. Not to get all Martha Stewart about it, but a great hand soap goes a long way.


Anonymous said...

Nothing annoys me more than when someone adds water to soap. If that could be done without rendering it useless, I'm sure Johnson & Johnson would've beaten you to the punch. THIS DOES NOT MAKE MORE SOAP it just makes your water undrinkable.

Gabrielle Bonghi said...

I can't believe you didn't include "Worst Worst Case: when there is NO hand soap. For some reason my single living guy friends don't know what hand soap is.

Anna said...

Haha. You're right! What an oversight!

Anonymous said...

"My hands are soft and smell like I high-fived nature."
I almost spat water all over my keyboard when I read this. Good one.

Julie said...

No soap = definitely the worst. I think I'd rank the sad little sliver of Ivory or Irish Spring just sitting there near the sink up there with trying to dilute the pump soap with water...

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