May 16, 2010

I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Kept My Fucking Cool

Now THAT'S a cool penguin
Do you even appreciate how fucking laid back I've been about dating you? I let you do your thing with your retarded asshole friends without giving you shit about it even though it's Saturday night and I was fucking hoping that we'd go out to dinner or some shit. I was all like, "Have fun with your buddies!" because I'm a fucking good sport and I'm totally fucking keeping my cool.

Listen up, you little fuckhead: I've been so low-key about our budding romance that I haven't even told my own fucking mother about it. She doesn't know that you fucking exist! I've only told two friends about you and I just mentioned you all casual and shit: "Oh, I've been hanging out with this new dude. He's rad." THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL I'VE TOLD THEM BECAUSE I'M NOT MAKING A BIG FUCKING DEAL OUT OF DATING YOU.

I haven't even pictured what it'd be like if we got married or what we'd name our fucking kids. I've only Googled your name once and I just read the first two matches; THAT'S HOW FUCKING LAID BACK I'VE BEEN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

I only think about you roughly once every four hours and I didn't freak out that one time that you didn't call me when you said that you fucking would. I figured you were just busy at work or some shit, so I shrugged and didn't fucking bring it up the next time we fucking talked. I'M KEEPING AS COOL AS A PENGUIN'S NUTSACK WHEN IT USES A BLOCK OF ICE AS A SIT 'N' SPIN AND YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!



citygal said...

I've always been a "Keep my cool" kinda gal, but I've been dating so long that I've lost all my patience.

jimmy said...

anna, i love you. now, i don't mean in that awe, you're so awesome kinda way. i mean, i would have your babies, but that would just be backwards and fucked up, not to mention i don't even want to think about where they'd come out of... nevermind.

teenie said...


Anna said...

Jimmy, I love you too, my dear. You can totally have my man-babies. Don't worry; we'll adopt!

Thanks, Teenie. xoxo

Rob said...

Why I don't seem to appreciate that you've "kept your fucking cool" -

Here's a hint - it's the same reason I don't give the mailman props when he delivers my mail.

You SHOULD keep your cool. Let's be serious, we're all adults here. All of us have been through more than one relationship that didn't pan out, and more than likely one (or several) that really seemed like it would and didn't. My mom doesn't need to meet/know about another girl that she can ask me about at Christmas only to find out we broke up four months prior.

In short, there's no reason to get your panties in a wad about something that realistically has a better chance of not working out than it does of us ending up with 2.3 kids and a white picket fence, especially when things are just starting up.

The fact that you seem to feel the need for recognition for keeping your cool tips your hand to the fact that although you're playing cool, you're really not that cool about it. So if that's the case and you've been dating me long enough to have a legit gripe about my behavior and lack of attention, have a reasonable conversation about it. Don't go on an ice cream and bitch fest bender to your friends while telling us everything's fine when it's not. Here's another hint girls - when you tell us things are cool, we have no reason not to believe you. Even if we know for a fact that things are not, in fact, cool, you telling us that it is gives us an out, and we'll take it every time.

And if you haven't been with us long enough to have a real issue with what's up... maybe you shouldn't have an issue at all. Take a page from our playbook, chill out, and don't take it so seriously, we sure don't. And the reason for that isn't that we don't like you or that we don't see any future, its because we're just playing the odds. And the odds are, if you're freaking out about us not calling you prior to us being together for a bit (in my book - absolute min 3 months), chances are things aren't gonna play out.

Anna said...

Rob, I just wanted to use the phrase "penguin's nutsack" in a post. Mission accomplished!

And, you have NO IDEA how girls really think and act when we're excited about a guy because when we are, we wanna gush about it to everyone.

And, I would NEVER have a conversation about a guy's lack of attention because he shouldn't even put me in that position to begin with. If he's not interested, there's not much a conversation is gonna do about it. Shrug.

I'm not mad in my post, I was just trying to be funny; to juxtapose anger with talking about being chill cracked me up.

Rob said...

Never said you were mad, but I've heard this all before. You're not the only one that has this complaint, and I'm just doing my best to set the record straight.

I have a much better idea than I'd like to. Most of my friends are girls, and every time things start up with a guy they try to act all cool about it while at the same time freaking out 'cuz he's out doing other things instead of hanging out with them. They obsessively check their phones hoping he canceled on his friends and will get freed up at some point until finally they give up around 12 and hit the vodka n cokes until 2 when the drunk texts begin, then it gets interesting.

I'm gonna go ahead and disagree with you about the attention. For me, I have a lot going on. I've got a demanding job, freelance work on top of it, and a large social circle. So for me if a girl seems to be fine with me only giving her part of my time, I'm not about to question it. My point is that if you have a legit issue and don't say anything about it, how am I supposed to know it's an issue?

Anna said...

Nah, I wouldn't be bummed if a guy was doing other things than hanging out with me. I'm not a needy girl and I would NEVER conduct myself the way you just described. That is NOT how I roll. I only drunk text sweet things to my dude, never anything angry or bitchy. That's just immature.

If a guy says he's out with buddies, I drop it at that. I wouldn't expect him to rearrange plans to hang out with me.

I don't know what kind of girls you hang out with, but you just painted an unflattering, cliched picture that doesn't describe me or my friends. Yikes!

Anna said...

Also, vodka and cokes are gross. Yuck!

juliannalose said...

Agreed Vodka and Coke? ew...... that's almost as gross as Kahlua and Club. (yes I have a friend that drinks that.) double ew......

Rob said...

I should clarify - vanilla vodka and coke. Just an example, its more (insert poison of choice here).

teenie said...

i dunno - maybe i read the post wrong, but i thought it was chock full of irony that our friend Rob Vance here doesn't seem to get.

Anna said...

Yes, Teenie, you are totally right. The post was meant to be funnnnnnny! Maybe it went over Rob's head?

Anonymous said...

re: Voting on Tuesday.

Rob or Anna?

Rob makes excellent and valid points.

But Anna has much better breasts though vanilla vodka/coke sounds good too.

Allan Smithee

Anna said...

My breasts trump all. IT'S A FACT.

Anonymous said...

re: My breasts trump all. IT'S A FACT.

@ Anna

Ok. You get my vote.

Allan Smithee

Anonymouse said...

Damn, a strong rebuttal well presented - someone give Rob Vance the Pulitzer Prize for Laying the Smack Down, or at the very least his own Budweiser commercial. I have a total bromance going based on those two posts alone

Anna said...

A smack down? I guess, if you call taking a jokey post too seriously and droning on about your young, bratty girlfriends as evidence of all female behavior a smack down, then sure, I was smacked down.

Rob said...

Anna and Teenie,
C'mon, now who's taking who too seriously here?

I get it, but you're touching upon a subject that a lot of us guys deal with on a regular basis.

And just because my take on things doesn't reflect you and your group of friends in particular, that doesn't necessarily mean that what I've said doesn't hold true for what a lot of guys deal with.

Also, for the record, I've only ever dated one girl that was younger than me. :)

jimmy said...

i don't know who rob's been dating but I need to start hanging out where ever he does i guess. perhaps it's just me, but i rarely find the types that don't stay toally chill. i'm always the one having to initiate everything, be it another date or just a damn phone conversation... fuck my life.

Anonymous said...

I want to hate Anna so bad because she is so fucking pretentious but this entry along with "Oh No He Di'int Ignore My Friend Request" may have just won her my heart. I am LMAO.

Anonymous said...

My problem is that I keep my cool for too long, and then confuse the shit out of a guy when I totally freak out at something because things have been building up inside. "It's super cool that you want to hang out with your ex-gf!" "I'm completely fine with you going to a strip club, have fun!" Then they think i'm like the coolest chick ever but all the sudden I freak out at something stupid like being 1 minute late and they don't understand why because at this point I've turned into the crazy girl and all those months of keeping my cool were useless!! sigh. so maybe I should loose my cool more often just for the sake of balance.

this post is hilarious though :)

teenie said...

Well Rob, I'd hardly call my response "serious" - right? so you can't really call the kettle black.

But to get serious for a mo, let's be honest - probably one of the most difficult balancing acts in dating someone is determining if you're compatible in the "chill" factor - too chill and you look uninterested, not chill enough and you look psycho. Finding someone who "fits" with you in this is tough. Both the ladies and gents deal with both issues.

Aaaaand you're 25. So the fact that you've only once dated a girl who is younger than you means that you're still dating young women. take it from a more seasoned dater (who has a wildly successful relationship with a younger dude) - the older ladies tend to know what they want, and will either date you or boot you if you don't provide it. not descend into drama etc and try to change you.

Or at least that's what I've observed in my 32 years :)

Rob said...

I was more just addressing you both at once, wasn't calling the kettle black just saying I did get that Anna's post wasn't 100% serious.

What Anonymous said about about pretending to be cool when you're not touches on what I've talked about and opens the door to a whole big topic, I'll write something up about it at some point and maybe Anna will post it up for everyone.

Agreed - average girl I've dated is roughly 3/4 years older than me.

Anna said...

Just for the record, in this particular post, I wasn't pretending to be low-key, I REALLY WAS low-key. It wasn't an act at all. However, I feel like you're telling me that I was putting on an act, which confused me.

Rob said...

To be completely honest, that's how I took it, because what I got from it was that you're annoyed that he's not appreciative of the fact that you're keeping your cool. To me, if you really are low-key about it you don't need any sort of external acknowledgment or recognition because you don't care about it.

And maybe you were actually low key as you said, but just to take the discussion to a more general arena, this is something I've dealt with and my friends have dealt with more than once. You're with someone and they're pretending to be all cool and its only later that you find out they've been making a conscious effort to stay cool rather than just actually being cool with things right from the get go.

MRR said...

"THAT'S HOW FUCKING LAID BACK I'VE BEEN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" is not typically the kind of thing one would say when they are genuinely "laid back" about this-or-that.

Perhaps we should acknowledge that there's a difference between "being cool with [something]" and "keeping your cool" - the former implies that there is no pressure, and the latter implies that there is a pressure but that it's being resisted. If there was really no pressure at all, caps-lock and swearing wouldn't seem like a logical way to express that.

The article read to me like a piece of comedy meant to show someone who thought they were "keeping their cool" when they really weren't, who then ridiculously blames their feelings on the guy instead of handling their feelings in a mature way.

Anonymous said...

I just kinda assumed you were a nut job, but it is funny. And hell, I'm still more of a nut job, so look who's talking.

Anonymous said...

What is with the not calling? If you've been dating for weeks and weeks and you're not going to call, don't say that you're going to call. Common. fucking. courtesy.

Boys? Care to elaborate?

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