I Can't Fucking Believe How Nice I Want To Be To Him

FUCK HIM FOREVER FOR MAKING ME WANT TO BE SWEET TO HIM! It's like he flipped some switch in me where I want to ensure that he is the most fucking comfortable, happy person on this planet.

I want to scream in that shitstain's face because I asked if he wanted to borrow my hoodie in case he got cold. It makes me want to claw my face off that I offered him half of my delicious cookie.

When I fucking asked him how his mutherfuckin' coffee was, I was genuinely fucking concerned that it was made to his goddam liking. Is it too fucking hot? Is it too fucking cold? I JUST WANT HIM TO ENJOY HIS FUCKING COFFEE! FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY IN THIS STARBUCKS BECAUSE I GENUINELY CARE ABOUT HIS ANSWER!

He's adorable, smart, and funny and he needs a swift elbow to his vas deferens for making me want him to have the last cheese fry in the basket. (No, really. Take it. It's all yours.) He needs his scrotum run over by a fucking tractor because I think it'd be cute if we ate a spaghetti like the fucking mutts in Lady and the Tramp. I'd even nudge the meatball over to him so he could have it.

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

5 Comments

Oh No He Di'int Ignore My Friend Request

I see. So, that's what my Internet friendship means to you? Obviously it's not very much because you've ignored my friend request like it's nothing. I'm not asking you for money or a ride to somewhere inconvenient, I'm asking to be a little box hanging out with all of your other little boxes on a website you visit out of boredom/curiosity.

You know, I never thought I'd have so much in common with a Viagra spam ad because we both seem to be in your trash folder. And, that's what I feel like: TRASH!

I don't want to be your online friend anyway. It doesn't even look like that much fun. You probably never post cool links or funny status updates. Now that I think about it, I don't wanna have access to your shitshow page, with the sparse info filled in and whatnot. I've seen waaaaaay better pages in my day with funny random quotes and clever hobbies up the wahzoo! Fuck your page and fuck you.

Ok. Upon, re-reading that last paragraph, I realize that I might've been a little dramatic. And immature. But, I'm totally gonna change for you, baby. I'll be nicer. You make me want to be nicer, that's why I need you in my stable of 467 friends.

I'll "like" roughly one-third of what you post. And--I'm gonna put this out there--you can totally hide my updates if you want. I'm okay with that. It's fine, really.

Come here. We're cool, right? Give me a smile. There it is! Haha. I knew I could make you smile. I was just saying how much I love it when you smile. Really! Yeah, I was just telling that person right there that you have, like, the BEST smile ever. Alright, let's go grab some pizza. My treat.

5 Comments

I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Kept My Fucking Cool

Now THAT'S a cool penguin

Do you even appreciate how fucking laid back I've been about dating you? I let you do your thing with your retarded asshole friends without giving you shit about it even though it's Saturday night and I was fucking hoping that we'd go out to dinner or some shit. I was all like, "Have fun with your buddies!" because I'm a fucking good sport and I'm totally fucking keeping my cool.

Listen up, you little fuckhead: I've been so low-key about our budding romance that I haven't even told my own fucking mother about it. She doesn't know that you fucking exist! I've only told two friends about you and I just mentioned you all casual and shit: "Oh, I've been hanging out with this new dude. He's rad." THAT'S IT! THAT'S ALL I'VE TOLD THEM BECAUSE I'M NOT MAKING A BIG FUCKING DEAL OUT OF DATING YOU.

I haven't even pictured what it'd be like if we got married or what we'd name our fucking kids. I've only Googled your name once and I just read the first two matches; THAT'S HOW FUCKING LAID BACK I'VE BEEN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

I only think about you roughly once every four hours and I didn't freak out that one time that you didn't call me when you said that you fucking would. I figured you were just busy at work or some shit, so I shrugged and didn't fucking bring it up the next time we fucking talked. I'M KEEPING AS COOL AS A PENGUIN'S NUTSACK WHEN IT USES A BLOCK OF ICE AS A SIT 'N' SPIN AND YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT!

AHHHHHHHHHH!

29 Comments

I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Ordered Such A Fantastic Dinner For Us

Goddamn, I FUCKING ROCKED at ordering this dinner for us. First, I suggested we get some MUTHERFUCKING spring rolls. Fuck you, these were FUCKING PERFECT because there were two in an order so we each got one. YUM TO THE MAX, FUCKHEAD!

HOLY SHIT I rocked it again when I ordered a plate of Mee Siam noodles for us to split because they were SO FUCKING GOOD! I wanted to GRAB YOU BY THE LAPELS AND KICK YOU IN THE DICK BECAUSE THEY WERE SO FUCKING TASTY. And, that vegetable curry should've BLOWN YOUR FUCKING MIND, it was so fucking fantastic. IN YOUR FACE, EMPTY PLATES, BECAUSE YOU'RE MOTHERFUCKING EMPTY. BOO-YAH!

Then, when I suggested that we get some fancy gelato around the corner you should've FLIPPED YOUR SHIT because that was the perfect counterbalance to a such a SPICY FUCKIN' MEAL, you SHIT STAIN.

But, you didn't even seem to notice you FUCKING FUCK. Good luck finding someone who can expertly order a meal for two the way that I just did. I AM THE MUTHERFUCKING WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION OF FOOD SUGGESTIONS! AAAAAARGH!!!!!

*rips shirt off and flexes muscles*

12 Comments