June 1, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: Weird Candles

Seriously, it smells like an apple's scrotum in here
Why does it smell like a locker room filled with rotten apples in here? Oh, that's his candle? He's trying to make his house smell like this on purpose? Oy vey.

I don't hate all candles, just stinky, old, dusty, disfigured ones that punch me in the face with their stench. Who wants to smell spiced apples when it's practically summer? At least make your shitty candle seasonally appropriate. Throw me a clean linen or sea breeze, dude!

Where did he get it? Maybe it was a present from a co-worker at last year's Christmas party? Or, maybe his sister gave it to him for his birthday? Who knows?

I can't imagine him picking this thing out himself. Wait, let me picture it; there he is in Bed, Bath and Beyond sniffing the lot of 'em, trying to find the perfect house candle. That's kind of cute.

And, it's kind of cute to picture him fishing around for a match to light the thing before I came over. And, it's kind of cute to picture him tilting the candle to light the wick thinking, "Man, I am turning the romance in here up to 11! Wait 'til she gets a load of this. This is really gonna set the mood."

See? Right there when he mentally articulated "the mood" is where this candle thing became gross. What's next, massage oils? Barry White on the stereo? How about he lights some incense too so I can overwhelm ALL of my senses with these cheezy seduction techniques. It's like he learned how to woo a woman from reading the classified section of an alt-weekly newspaper. Yikes.

7 comments:

Rob said...

What about this? http://boingboing.net/2010/05/05/white-castle-candle.html

Anna said...

I have not smelt it, therefore I can not "dealt" it. Or something.

Emily said...

While I always thought "mandles" were bad sandals that dads wore on vacation, they're also candles for men.

With scents like "freedom" and "fart," marketed to them, no wonder men are confused:

http://inhysterics.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/you-mean-you-dont-like-the-sweet-smell-of-freedom/

Anonymous said...

I think they should have a Barry White scented candle

B. said...

Ahaha, glad someone agrees. I always thought that guys who have a bunch of candles at their place were a little sleazy...

jimmy said...

Finally! One of the sad house bits that doesn't apply to me. I can happily say I don't own a single candle. That's just one more thing to maintain around the place and I'm having a hard enough time keeping the damn kitchen clean and the bikes organized.

Take note ladies, you can stop in anytime and I will not assault your senses with a foul candle nor rotten laundry.

lucinda said...

Laughing out loud at this one...and they do pop up, don't they?
I'm also fascinated by strange women's shampoos lurking in the shower...you know the expensive kind I wouldn't even buy?
Then again, a man who buys POWERSPORT FOR MEN ONLY shampoo also sends my radar off.

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