September 28, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Are Annoying About Their Birthday

The face I make when I get the invite to his fancy birthday dinner
I dread when his birthday month comes around because I know that he's going to make a huge fuss about it. Every year, it's the same: He'll plan an elaborate birthday dinner at a loud, expensive restaurant then pick a lame bar for all of his friends to buy him drinks at after.

To announce his party, he'll send a mass email with all the recipients bcc'd so I'll have no idea who else is going. Will I know anyone else there? Will I be banished to a far corner of the table forced to make small talk with his boring co-workers? Ugh! Will people be cool and kick in enough money to cover their food or will I have to overpay to compensate for the cheapskates? It sounds terrible all-around.

Saying I'll maybe swing by won't cut it because he needs to know an exact headcount to make the reservations. I have to give him an answer. And, if I don't go to his birthday dinner, I better show up at the designated bar after and buy him at least two drinks.

I can already tell you how the night will end. During the party, thanks to dozens of whiskey shots, he'll take it too far, getting drunk off his little ass. When the bars close is when the real mischief will start. He'll swing from a street sign. He'll smash a bottle in the street. He'll cry in front of a police officer. Right before he passes out on the sidewalk, he'll start assessing his life and how it doesn't measure up to his expectations. He thought he'd be married by now. He thought he'd own a home. He thought he'd have his shit together. But, he doesn't.

The worst thing I could do is blow it off entirely. I'd get a snippy text the next morning demanding to know where I was and why I didn't go. You wanna know what I did? I layed around in sweatpants and watched the Jersey Shore. And, it was more fun. The only way to get back on his good side is if I promise to take him out for dinner and drinks to celebrate the 29th year of his life later on in the week. That will placate him. For now. Until next year when we do it all over again.


Zack said...

Amen! Nothing sadder than a grown man whose birthday party looks like an episode of My Super Sweet 16.

My friends all swear I'm weird, but I don't even celebrate my birthday. At all. I always leave for some long trip - road trip, week long hike, whatever - two or three days before my birthday every year. Purely coincidental, of course *grin*. Two hundred miles from anyone who knows me and no cell reception.

Anonymous said...

My birthday is overshadowed by some bastard named Jesus. So I don't do anything either.

Anonymous said...

As the best friend and coordinator of 2 past birthday bars/dinner this year, I was stuck with the balance of the dinner/drinks BILL TWICE. They don't have to pay since its their birthday, its usually upwards of 60 - 100 I have to dish out, and the cake too! Hell I always chip in for my own birthday tab if the bill goes over to not make a fuss.

I second the private birthday post-date and am now going to adopt it. If they want a group party, they coordinate it. thx.

Anonymous said...

"You're twenty-somthing years old, it's time to get over birthdays!" - Donald Draper

Anonymous said...

My vote is for sweatpants and Jersey Shore. Check out this survey where women say how they like it shaved!

Anonymous said...

re: My birthday is overshadowed by some bastard named Jesus.

That's sort of cool to be born on a national holiday. Everybody loves to get drunk on that day. You were born on Cinco de Mayo, right?

Allan Smithee

Ichael said...

That sounds horrible. Time to find new friends?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

birthdays are for bitches

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