September 14, 2010

Let Me Get This Straight. THAT Is His New Girl? Pffffft.

The one over there, with the red hair and the pleated miniskirt? You've gotta be shittin' me. No way. No fucking way. Fuck you. Drop dead.

Over there, by the speaker? With the leather choker and the black boots? Clearly, they're from Payless Shoe Source. Those shiny, chunky boots were a BOGO, honey. Okay? They must've been! She didn't pay full price for those. They must've been half off with another purchase.

So, you're telling me THAT girl over there is his new woman? Fuck off and die. There's no way! She looks like an extra on Melrose Place or some shit. She looks like she's auditioning for The Craft. Get outta here! There's no way he's dating her. No fucking way. After me? This is what he chooses after me? Fuck off. I don't believe it.

He could've had caviar and he chose Bazooka Joe. What an idiot. I feel sorry for him. He left THIS *motions towards myself* and chose THAT *motions towards her* I have to sit down. Her? HER? I can't believe it.

You know what? You know who I feel sorry for? I feel sorry for myself because I fell for a guy who finds that kind of woman attractive. That's some bullshit right there. Can we all agree on that? Oy vey. What a nightmare. I can't even--there are no words. HER? Oh my god.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Been there. Except the girl was a total horse face. I mean she seriously looked like a dude.

Andrea said...

Oh my god. Had that happen TWICE. The first was the poor man's fat, snaggle-toothed version of me, the second was an 18-yr-old.

Obviously, I have terrible taste. Or they do. Someone definitely does.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but this rant just made the new girl classier by default. Y'know rating a wardrobe by pricetags = ranter's true colors/totally fucked value system exposed. Also, newsflash: Guys don't give a shit about an outfit's "sell by" date unless they're gay...
Maybe shes just a cooler person than you and/or isn't a total starfish lay in the sack..Who knows?..Point being: Should've taken the high road and been pretend-'happy' for them and seethed secretly..

Anna said...

Sorry, dude, but you're retarded. This was meant to be funny. I laughed the entire time I wrote it. In fact, I just re-read it and laughed again. LIGHTEN UP!

Anna said...

PS: Starfish lay was funny. I'll give you that. And, what's the point of "seething secretly" when I have a blog where I wanted to write about the disbelief one feels when they see the new girl?

Anonymous said...

Normally I like the posts, but this one just had an icky exclusionary, malicious,class based vibe to it..PS 'Retarded' is such a fucked up choice of slag..Come on, you HAVE to know that, right?. My neice has downs syndrome and is a sweet, loving, beautiful child, I WISH I was more like her...You are right.It IS your blog..But the public reads it..I'd think you'd want to consider the public face you are putting out here. Okay, let the flame-y chorus of variations on 'lighten up, dude' commence.

Anna said...

class-based? are you kidding me? I honestly think that you're reading waaaaaay too deeply into this. The Payless jab was more about the style of boot than the pricetag. Sheesh. I wear clothes from Old Navy. I'm the LEAST fashiony person of anyone I know!

I wrote this post in a certain voice of a certain character. If you were a longtime reader, you'd see that I normally never talk like that. I tried to channel what a bitchy, overdramatic girl would say and just have fun with it. I posted a pic of Pauly D to go along with it for crying out loud! You can't take it too seriously.

You getting worked up about the word retarded is also retarded. Man, it's like you woke up on the wrong side of the '90s PC wagon today! Don't get me wrong. I'm glad you spoke up if something rubbed you the wrong way, but honestly, this isn't worth getting too worked up about.

Diane said...

How can someone be offended by this post? Do you think she's talking about you?
I loved it. I've had this moment, plenty of times. Sure this is worked up to a greater extreme, but that's why it's funny! Anna, you still kick ass!

loey said...

i used to say "retarded" all the time as a denigrating comment but it's like "gay" and "fag" - just because it seems comfortable and nonthreatening to some (14 yr old boys, for instance) doesn't mean it's not hurtful and demeaning to others (people with mentally handicapped friends and relatives). it's a legal, medical designation - and you're using it as an insult. imo, anon has every right to object. telling him he shouldn't get so "worked up" is also demeaning, i.e. you're invalidating his honest response. i'm disappointed ...

Anonymous said...

So caring about/being mindful of using offensive terms = 90's corny and played out like Friendster, Grunge and AOL..Okay. Got it. Thanks..

Anna said...

Ok, I'm gonna pull a Kanye here and apologize to you for calling you offensive word. At the next Shmitten Kitten event, I'm going to perform a song I wrote about how sorry I am and how I regret my actions. You are welcome to do the same.

teenie said...

funny post, but agree with loey re: sensitivity. saying "retarded" is one thing, but getting that defensive about someone being offended about it is uncool.

teenie said...

(meaning, we all say stuff that's insensitive sometimes - but we can just own it, instead of making it someone else's problem)

Anonymous said...

I wear Payless shoes, and I'm one stylish lady. Approximately 1-5 times a day someone suggests that I should be a model and/or compliments something I'm wearing. Obviously, this woman you are describing sounds she doesn't have a lick of fashion sense, but calling her out on her Payless shoes is weak.

Also, honey, she may be "Bazooka Joe", but you are NOT caviar. A "caviar" kind of lady wouldn't be hopelessly single and writing a dating blog complete with photos from Jersey Shore.

Just sayin'.

Anna said...

*rolls eyes* If you can't understand that this post is a work of fiction, then there's not much I can say or do. *I* did not call myself caviar, the character in the post did.

Congratulations on your affordable footwear and looking like a model.

Zack said...

Well you certainly whacked the hornet's nest today.

Personally, I thought it was a riot. I've heard every one of my lady friends do this at least once. Totally spot-on.

/2thumbsup!

Mallory P. said...

Hey retards. Gettin' offended by a post on one of the funniest blogs written by one of the nicest gals the internet has to offer is the absolute worst. If you have that kind of anger, channel it to someone deserving, like Glenn Beck or John Boehner. He wants you to work 'til you're 70!

typical guy said...

ok enough bickering kids. Anna darling, please just label your fiction as fiction next time so we know you are still "one of the nicest gals the internet has to offer". not everyone reads all your posts and can discern your humor from one. thanks!

Heather said...

Anna you're totally caviar, don't let anybody tell you otherwise : ) Being choosy and entertaining the public with tales from the front lines are definitely characteristics of a caviar lady.

Just sayin'.

Anna said...

Typical Guy, in the "about" section of the site, I state that anything I write is basically fiction although it's inspired by real life situations. Besides, this post is so over the top, I didn't think that I'd need to explain that I was just running my mouth. Apparently, I did.

Thanks, ladies, for the kind words. I appreciate it! xoxo

Anonymous said...

The post says "By Anna". Develop characters or character names if you are going to get upset about people pinning this stuff on you. I mean, you respond to the comments to your post as Anna. LAME.

typical guy said...

Anna, can't something be based on fiction and still told in the first person? or maybe I'm not the literary expert I think I am.

"Anonymous"? really? that's the best character you can come up with? how bout "Mr/Ms Critical" at least? jk!

ps- I'm available for character development. My rates are reasonable and I specialize in misunderstood female dating blogs.

Anna said...

Of course I can write fiction in the first person. This blog isn't a memoir. I never said it was.

Guys, we're talking about BOGOS, CAVIAR, AND BAZOOKA JOES! Can this day get any better? I

Drew said...

I love that picture of Pauly D. I must have hit the "back 30 seconds" button five times when he made that face on the show.
I also think Payless shoes are gross, not because of their price-point but because shopping there suggests that one only cares about shoes being cheap more than any aesthetic preference or quality of materials. You can buy better made shoes on sale or used for the same price as Payless if you just do a little bit of work. Payless shoes are more or less made to be disposable, which is not a quality that I look for in the products I buy.

Anna said...

One last thing if Ms. Anon is still reading this. As I clearly state in my "about" section, almost everything I write is with the purpose of cracking my friends up. In this particular post, there are three things that were written PARTICULARLY to crack my friend Jenna up:

1. BOGO - That's an ongoing joke between us and I knew she'd pop a button laughing at that.

2. The choker necklace - That's a joke we always say from "Reality Bites" where Jeannine Garofalo says that people are going to show up at her funeral wearing "chokers and shit."

3. Melrose Place - In the same rant, she says that she's going to be the character on the show who has AIDS. We always make fun of this scene and I knew she'd crack up.

It is never my intention to bum anyone out or pick on one person. I never name names in my posts and I really try my hardest to talk about issues everyone can relate to in an original, funny way. If you get the joke, great. If you don't, oh well.

I love and appreciate all my readers and I'm always happy to talk about my posts to anyone that has any questions. It bummed me out when you took a swipe at my personal life but whatever. I'm a big girl and I can handle it. Believe me, I've heard a lot worse!

Anyways, have a great day. Hopefully you'll find the humor in another post if you chose to come back at read SK again.

citygal said...

Wow, why are people getting all worked up about this?! Obviously, they don't have a sense of humor. I was rolling the entire time I read this! Seriously, if people are offended by Pauly D, Payless or the fact that this shit actually happens in real life and deserves to be overly dramatic in YOUR blog, then they can choose not to read it. Just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

your blog gets me through my workday. you're hilarious. thanks anna!

Natalie said...

I happened to think this was hilarious. It couldn't have been written at a more perfect time as I found out today that my former beloved is dating someone who I will refer to colloquially as a baby lady. This chick is apparently really into dressing like some kind of victorian toddler. It's called lolita fashion and I'm actually pretty bummed that not only do I now know what this is, but someone that I had legit feelings for not only finds this an acceptable means of attiring oneself, but finds it attractive? I take pride in the way I dress and the aforementioned douche always paid me high praise for my appearance. So now I'm on par with a baby lady? What gives? In short, I completely relate!

Hooli said...

Anna... This totally made my morning. However reading the comments I feel that I should be offended by some part of it. *shrugs* Nope, just couldn't manage it. Sorry. My bad.

Thanks for writing such awesome blogs. :-) they always make me laugh (even when some of them hit too close to home with stuff I've done).

dani said...

i loved this post! anna, you are great and i guess people just cant understand the concept of this hilarious blog and blogging in general! but its the internet, so this is the place where people feel free to get offended and whine about anything they want. so it goes. we can just laugh at them :)

Anonymous said...

It's easy to tell from this rant that the new girl is hotter than the narrator (regardless of whether the new girl is Anna or a fictionalized version of her) because if she was unattractive, that would be the first thing the narrator called her out on. Ragging on clothes and style is what unattractive rich girls do to make themselves feel good around smoking-hot poor girls. So even if it WAS a joke, it's in bad taste, which is why I think there's so much reader venom on it.

Besides, in my experience almost EVERY girl, no matter how classy, secretly owns at least one trashy outfit and what one ex calls "hooker boots", for those nights when she just wants to go clubbing and make men drool. Am I wrong here?

Anna said...

You are totally wrong. You obviously didn't read ANYTHING that I said but I hope you enjoyed projecting your insane analysis on a fictionalized situation.

I've already said that I wrote this to crack my best friend up and I tried to write it the way a girl on Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of New Jersey would talk. You seem intent on taking this post seriously which is whatever at this point.

For what it's worth, my Mom read and said it was the funniest post she's read in a while. So, at the very least, my Mom got the joke. Yay, I guess?

Anna said...

And for the record, I would NEVER make fun of a girl's attractiveness (even a fictionalized girl) because that's just mean. And, I wasn't trying to be mean at all: I was trying to be funny and capture the feeling of disbelief one has when they see the new girl that their ex is with. For you to use that as evidence showing one thing or another is waaaaay off-base. That's not how I roll.

Allison said...

Anna, you shouldn't have to defend this post. You provide entertainment for a community. If they are too close minded and offended at a piece of your work, then they should go read the Mormon's digest. Irlol'd and every girl I know who has seen a new bf's ex has done something similar to this. At the very least, we are all probably guilty of the "I mean she's pretty, but I'm prettier..right?"

Lighten up people. Anna's written so many other posts with a perfectly calm, classy, and educated tone. Y'all are gettin' worked up over a whole lot of nothing.

The interweb is srs business.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he just wanted to date a girl that wouldn't criticize every little thing about him and then put it all over the internet. A girl with no fashion sense probably isn't going to complain nearly as much.

Anna said...

It's hard to take anonymous comments seriously, but I'm gonna try to get through to her.

Once again, this post is more about THE FEELING one has, it's not about A TRUE STORY. Shmitten Kitten isn't a diary. It's not a news source. I am a writer and I enjoy writing about situations and behaviors I observe in people around me. I am inspired by my personal life, but the stories I write draw inspiration from everywhere. I often write posts to crack my friends up using absurd situations taken from their lives. There is no girl with a pleated skirt and red hair. I made her up. She doesn't exist. The end.

Anna said...

Did Joe Jackson get this much flak for writing the song, "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" Because this post was my version of that song, but with my own spin on it.

Jenny C said...

This is by far the BEST picture you have ever chosen to go along with an article. I've had an infuriating morning thus far (and it's only 10:30) and was about to commit to bitch mode for the rest of the day, but thanks to this photo I'm back to approchable. Thanks doods.

lizzzygirl said...

Anna, you rock as always AND even before I saw this Haterade Anon was sippin' on, I had made the caviar to Bazooka my G-Chat status!

booyah.

teenie said...

Hey Anna - ugh! right? what a fustercluck! keep on doing what you do. it may not sit well with everyone for many different reasons: personal history and biases, a topic hitting too close to the bone, or just difference of taste. you're putting it out there - good for you! it'll sometimes come back to you harsher than is comfortable when it's stuff like this (that has clearly hit a nerve of some kind) but rest assured - from the TONS of positive feedback you get throughout this rad-tastic and scrummysome blog, that you bring a whole lotta entertainment to the masses. cheers!

Anna said...

Thanks, Teenie, and everyone else. I'm not sure why I got so exasperated with some of the more critical comments, but I did.

It's funny because it's not like I fictionalize my posts because I'm a good person or anything. I know my exes still read my site and I'm not interested in bumming them out and/or creating more drama for myself. This site has been around for almost three years; I get that the things I write can have ramifications with people in my personal life, which is why I try to keep them separate. So, it was a strange thing to have people who don't know me accuse me of doing something contrary to that.

teenie said...

haha, true story - i got rankled by this post at first because it hit too close to the bone for me...
my current bf (who seriously is the love of my life if ever there was one) has this horrid ex gf who joined a group on facebook soon after he and i started dating called "it's funny when exes downgrade". For some reason this really pissed me off - who does she think she is? i won't list the ways that i'm clearly better than she is (please all, read some sarcasm in that).

So the whole "downgrade" perception still gets my gullet. but whatev - all in all, as a comedy piece, it's good. keep it up.

Kehilla Monster said...

Anna- Mad props! While my blog is not as well-read as your I have received similar comments. Your post was meant to be funny, and it was. Honestly- if the guy broke your heart (or didn't) it makes your, or anybody else laugh to wrote a funny blog post- go for it. You kept his and her name out of it. Kol hakavod.

Anonymous said...

it aint fiction and its you wrote it with purpose. try to make yourself feel better by picking apart the material aspects of someone who you know deep inside has what you want.

Modern Haredi said...

Yes, the purpose is to make people laugh! Oy vey...

@jenniizzo said...

Hahaha, I just read this post again, because it was linked in your newest one. The comments here are hilarious. I especially love your comparison to Joe Jackson, Anna.

Maddieline said...

Geez, peeps need to lighten up. If the picture isn't a give away of the hilarity, then you might as well just be saying 'Herp Derp' over and over again.

Weej said...

I am shmitten by this blog. I'm back here reading the comments and being blown away. Sorry to get in on this so late in the game. But I gotta say, maybe this post was inspired by a real event, but Anna took it to the extreme, I think, to make fun of herself and any girl who's been there. Picture this: you're over him, you're out, you see him with her, you have a flashback of emotion, you are momentarily insanely jealous and you get bitchy. You react. I bet in real life, if this was inspired by reality, Anna was a class act. Like caviar. But to be funny, she took it the other way. Come on! Look at the picture! Obviously it's hyperbole.

Anonymous said...

For the love of Jeebus, what the fuck is wrong with all of you emos? This is one of the funniest posts Anna has ever written!!!!!!!!! Fuck all of the naysayers and die, motherfuckers. Fuck political correctness! As if all of you were politically correct. Go and read Glenn Beck.

redsiren said...

Why do people who have no humor in their lives come to this post and then criticize? Anna's posts are hilarious, funny and witty. Did you think she wrote it about you personally? Please get a fucking life!!!!

Anonymous said...

Everyone got a little too butt hurt over this post. I thought it was so hilarious that I did read it twice after I read everyone hating on it. Retards. Ha!

Laurie Ann said...

chokers and shit are awesome you retards! Kittens fo life bitches!

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