September 14, 2010

Reader Submitted Things That Make Me A Bad Boyfriend: I Ain't Gonna Toss Her Gifts Out

From Zack, who, let's face it, isn't gonna toss these things out.
It starts out innocently. She'll browse through my bookshelves, and wedged between some obscure book on Plains Indian mythology and a copy of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, she'll spot a worn copy of War and Peace. And because the man in the clouds hates me, she'll pick it up and see the inscription: something long, sappy, and ending with te amabo semper. Incidentally, giving your boyfriend a copy of War and Peace with a sappy Latin inscription is hereby declared the official metric standard of dorkiness. [Ed. note--That phrase translates to "I will always love you." Was she a Whitney Houston fan, perchance?]

Or she'll look for a Q-tip in my bathroom and find half a dozen unused bottles of cologne that make the drawer smell like a forest on a beach during a rainstorm. Yeah, they were all given to me by my exes, and I never got around to throwing them out. (I hate wearing cologne).

Or that painting that she likes that hangs in my living room. She doesn't know it, but one of my exes painted that. If you could see the back, you'd find a little dedication.

Look, my house is chock full of these little Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and I'm not about to throw them out. They are exes for a reason, after all. I liked War and Peace, and I love that painting, and I honestly don't see why I should get rid of them just because I've seen the naughty bits of the people who gave them to me.

So let's skip the arguing, the debating, and the sulking. We both know how this ends: I'll be too stubborn to throw them out (though I will concede and let you toss the colognes), and you'll add them to the list of things in my house you plan to sneakily get rid of.
I can respect this because it's your house and you can decorate it any way you like. But if we move in together, this shit is hittin' the curb first.


Anonymous said...

you know, i am a girl and i wont lie; it does actually bother me when i discover items from the ex's. i'll get all weird and quiet as you tell me that they gave it to you for your xth anniversary. then you'll get mad that i'm weirded out. at least i know i am being irrational! half of the items really are pretty cool.

Zack said...

Eh, kinda silly for the guy to get mad. I can sort of understand it, we all try to BS ourselves into thinking our partners were as pure as fresh snow when we met them, nobody wants to be reminded that they aren't the first. It doesn't become a problem for me until they start insisting that I throw everything out.

Of course, one ex demanded to immediately see all of the relics when she found one. I complied, but went all "Tour Guide to the Stars":
"Off to your left, you'll find a painting from [redacted]. We dated in 2000 before I caught her banging a friend. Moving along to the bedroom, you'll see a bed where........."

That went over about as well as you'd expect *grin*

Unknown said...

For the record, if you gave ME a copy of Tolstoy with a Latin inscription in it, I would die of happiness.

Zack said...

Oh, it was a really sweet present, but it struck me as such a dorky thing to give to a guy. That said, I love love love love dorky girls =)

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