September 24, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Lone, Off-Brand Cotton Swab

When I asked him for a Q-tip, he said, "Sorry, babe. I don't have any." Frankly, a bathroom without Q-tips is a bathroom I don't wanna be in. I have needs that can only be met with a firm stick with cotton tightly wound on both sides. I have eyeliner to correct. I have mascara smeared under my eyebrow I have to wipe away. I have an itch in my ear THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED.

He searched around for a bit and found a cotton swab at the bottom of an errant drawer, swimming amongst disposable razors and crusty bottles of stinky shaving cream. It was slightly damp, but he presented it to me beaming like he'd just found Chester Copperpot's treasure map. 

I examined the swab closely. The cotton was all loosy goosey, totally uninterested in wiping away any kind of product from my face. And, it was wispy, like a Norwegian preteen's leg hair. Clearly, this was an off-brand swab. A Q-tip always stands at attention, ready for the job. Off-brand cotton swabs are limp, like they'd go AWOL at the first sign of trouble. There was no way it was going to scratch my itchy ear successfully.

Under his watchful gaze, I loaded it in. Immediately, it bent into a 90 degree angle. I felt like I had a weak cotton crank jutting out of my skull. It basically committed suicide in my ear canal because it failed at the one thing it's designed to do. And, that just made me sad.


typical guy said...

As ya already know AG, I'm not often with ya; actually usually against much of your subverted logic. (especially that caviar/bazooka-gate) But that's ok cuz we've made it back to jive country on this one. so I'm proposin we start a group. And something more than those on Facebook. People for the Ethical Treatment of Aural Canals. And maybe we found a AAA-like club for those traveling/on under-covers assignments and need a CLEAN, NON-PLASTIC emergency swab or 2.

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