October 31, 2010

Bonerkiller: Knocking Shit Off My Nightstand While I'm Trying To Sleep

Is it too much for him to go to bed at a reasonable hour? He's pacing around my room, acting irritated that I'm not giving him attention. Dude, it's a Tuesday night at 12:18am. The lights are out. I'm under the covers. I have my "goodnight mix" softly playing on my ipod lulling me to slumberland. Apparently this fuckhead didn't seem to get the memo that lights out = settle down.

Does he really have to bat my chapstick around like it's a dead mouse right now? THAT'S NOT A DEAD MOUSE, YOU DILDO; IT'S MY CHAPSTICK! Leave it alone.

When I whispered for him to chill out, he knocked a bottle of nail polish over like a total douche. Again, I asked him to calm down politely and instead of listening, he rubbed his cold nose on my cheek. RUDE! When I told him that I had a meeting in the morning and sharply demanded that he just curl up on the foot of the bed already, he walked away like he was too cool for school. I guess instead of respecting my wishes, he thought whacking my eyeglasses off my nightstand was a better idea. I swear to god, sleeping with him is a NIGHTMARE!

I finally threatened to toss him out of my room altogether and he was like, "Go ahead and do it. See if I care." So, I did and then he just stood outside my room and meowed like a shithead. This guy is the worst.


Anonymous said...

I know your pain! But I recently discovered that if I hide my toy-sized trinkets under a small blanket and remove his bell collar, I can enjoy a quieter night. When he nuzzles me and purrs loudly, I lift up my comforter and he cuddles up beside me underneath. His purrs gradually lessen into more tolerable snores.

Sarah said...

Um, Did you call Charlie a "dildo"? Too funny
love your sis

Anna said...

I did! I told him I wrote about him on the Internet this morning and he knocked something else off my nightstand just to teach me a lesson. TRUE STORY!

Unknown said...

I laughed so hard. I have the same problem over here. Little mongrels.

Bang Tango'ed said...

Insomniac minds want to know. What does this "goodnight mix" consist of? If you're feeling generous, toss up something we can download. Currently my siesta syllabus consists of the bar downstairs, and my neighbors piano playing. Something has to give.

Anna said...

Ask and you shall receive. Let me know what you think of it!


Bang Tango'ed said...

It reminds me of the scene in a movie where you return home for the holidays, ascend the stairs to your childhood bedroom, and slowly paw the artifacts of your adolescence. I like it. If I have any additions, I'll repost. A collaborative lullaby.

Bang Tango'ed said...

I made some additions and subtractions. I don't like picturing the lead singer of Arcade Fire as I drift off into sleepy town USA.


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