November 9, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Glad: His Fancy Cheeses

From Erin, who would like more cheese, please.
Yes, please!
When I was in college, nothing would have turned me on more than the out-of-work artist. Both his mommy-issue paintings leaning languidly up against the wall of his shitty loft and an off-hand mention that his semi-broken up band once opened for Snow Patrol would have me staying the night. But since I'm only a stone's throw away from the big 2-5, I try to be a little more particular with the company I keep.

HOWEVER, if I were to now find myself in that loft, I may be able to overlook the broken keyboard, the empty, cracked CD jewel cases littering the floor, and the ratty dog who hasn't been walked in a week once he starts speaking in cheese.

Whisper those sweet nothings of Gruyere and Camembert and I'm yours. Never mind his shitty zine publication; he is Baudelaire, he is Cocteau. His collection of fromage is what the Louvre's collection is to art. When he whips out the Whole Foods crackers and spreads some Port Wine or Boursin with his Sur Le Table knife on those suckers, I can pretend that his art collective is really meeting with Dia next week, or month. Whatever.

I don't even mind if he's baked, as long as the Brie is too. And I can ignore the random dude sleeping on his La-Z-Boy if the Pont-l'Évêque is paired with a nice, deep Bordeaux from the Trader Joe's Wine Shop his brother works at.

Honestly, his Bushwick loft may be Kraft, but we might as well be in Montmarte with the size of his Port Salut.
Yum a-freakin' LUM. This all sounds spectacular. It's a known fact that girls love an array of fancy cheeses; it's basically female crack.


Clarissa said...

AMEN! Who cares about his stinky feet when you can snug up with some stinky cheese!

Jonesy said...

Oh man, am I with you there. Bring me some nicely smoked fontina, and I'll deal with the fact that I can hear your roommate and his girlfriend in the other room. Bring me a variety of cheeses, and honey, I'm competing with their sound level (as soon as I've eaten, of course).

Conversely, I cannot be with a man who only has American (or worse, Cheez Whiz) in the house. This sort of atrocity reflects on the rest of his dietary choices, and I'm not going to deal with that.

Joanna from Jersey said...

Cheese is my life...whether a utilitarian cheddar or a royal pule, I will indulge, even if the person offering me these dairy beauties is cheesy himself!

Great article....witty and intelligent. Keep them coming.

Anonymous said...


Sarah said...

There are single men who live alone and keep cheeses? I mean, my dude has always has triple cream brie on-hand, but he had lots of housemates for years and loves to entertain.

Anonymous said...

port wine is some cracker barrel shit.. one step away from whiz.. maybe have some american cheese on triscuits.. class it up....... not..

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