May 10, 2011

For The Love of God, Don't Try To Set Me Up With Your Weird Single Friend
Really, please don't.
I didn't realize how picky I was until a few acquaintances tried to set me up with their single friends. I politely listened to the worst pitches I've ever heard in my life:
  • "He's newly divorced and, just between us, totally impotent, but he has a great personality."

  • "He's on a raw diet, you know where he doesn't eat cooked food. Sure, he brings his own food everywhere he goes, but he has a cool dog!"

  • "He makes his own moonshine in his bathtub. How cool is that?"

  • "You like music, right? Well, he loves that '80s band the Bangles. He's like a superfan. He owns all their stuff." 
Gross! The worst is when they pull his picture up on their cellphones and they watch my face as they show these guys off. "That's him there on the right. Isn't he cute?" she'll coo, tapping her fingernail on the screen.

I guess, if you like that bath salt abuser look. Yuck. Put your cell phones away, ladies. This guy isn't cute and I'm not interested.


loki_smoke said...

i have one knob-head friend who insists that since i'm single i should be gung-ho to date the single people in their weekend cottage community. they follow up by listing out how old or nasty or stupid or desperate this person is.
the rule is: if you're going to laugh at me for dating them, skip trying to set me up. i'll stay home and hump a coffee table before i feel the pang of desperation for a mercy date.

Anna said...

Well put! People also love to recommend their strange, short guy friends just 'cause they know I like short guys. I hate to break it to you America, but the guy still needs to be HOT for me to date him! I want HOT short guys. Write it down if you have to.

Anonymous said...

re: "He makes his own moonshine in his bathtub. How cool is that?"

Reminds me of a woman who I had a summer fling with while living in Austin.

She used a blender to make guacamole and her shower/tub was coated with a black film.

Now that I think of it, she was sort of slow and may have been "mentally handicapped."

The sex was just ok. But that might have been my fault.

Allan Smithee

km said...

Oh this isn't all bad. Try:

1. Sounds like homie has a job. Networking opportunities are few and far between these days. Go out for a nice lunch, assured he won't try anything, and make sure to get his business card.

2. You need a new weed dealer?

3. Moonshine is actually a great Christmas gift for those "impossible to buy for" people. Just don't tell them about the tub. I mean, they know. But just don't dwell on it.

4. I got nothing. But keep his number in your phone for when you inevitably get on a trivia game show and are asked a question about the Bangles. You know it'll happen now: I put it into the Universe.

Drew said...

Back up a second please. Why on earth do you prefer short guys? Do they have cooler dance moves?

Anna said...

Are you kidding me? Short guys are the HOTTEST THING ON THE PLANET! My first crush was on Michael J. Fox and I haven't taken my eye off little homies since.

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