July 10, 2011

It Turns Out That I Need A Date To The Philly Geek Awards So How Are We Gonna Do This?

We're gonna get dolled up, yo!
It's true; I need a date to the Philly Geek Awards on Friday, August 19th. That's just a little over a month away, you guys. Here's the small print: it's a black-tie event so I need a guy who cleans up well. No sneakers with a suit unless your name is Robert Downey Jr. and you just flew in from filming Iron Man III. You don't have to look as spiffy as Bart Simpson on class picture day, but I'd expect at least a shower and a shave too.

Men, here's what I will bring to the table as your potential date:
  • I will smell good
  • I will stand near you
  • I will make at least three nervous jokes referencing either an '80s sitcom theme song, dialogue from Wet Hot American Summer, and/or Carrot Top's bizarrely muscular physique
Here are the duties my date must perform:
  • Remember my name
  • Hold my purse if I'm posing for a photo
  • Sit near me for up to three hours
  • Laugh at a minimum of two of my nervous jokes
  • Not check his phone constantly during the show because that would get on my nerves 
  • Alert me if I either have lipstick on my teeth and/or toilet paper on my shoe
So, how am I gonna find this magical man*? Should I have a contest on here or my Shmitten Kitten Facebook page or my Twitter? Set up an obstacle course? A scavenger hunt? A physical challenge? A quizzo round? Waddle around town with a sandwich board announcing my predicament? Voodoo? Bribery? I need help! Leave any contest ideas for how I should find this date in the comments.

In the meantime, snap up your tickets to the Philly Geek Awards here.

*Ideally, my date will be between 5'6 and 5'9. Come on, you know I only liked shorter guys, right?


Michaelangelo said...

Sneakers with a suit, ugh.

Anonymous said...

I like all the guys you write about, but how about the ice cream guy?

Anna said...

I just had an idea: i could show up with two guys on dog leashes ala Snoop Dogg at the MTV VMAs!

Ashley said...

What about a date-off?! Start accepting applications and have a couple of weekends of dates... different date ideas... and the most creative date/best dude you get along with... wins?!

Anna said...

That's not a bad idea, Ashley!

Blue Light J said...

It seems to me you need to make sure your date has sufficient Geek Cred. You'd hate to show up to an event like this with a normal, suave guy on your arm. Maybe a Back to the Future Trivia quiz, or something along those lines.

Anonymous said...

Too tall :/

Dude said...

Ugh. Either hold your purse in the photo or tell him to watch it on the table for you while you strike a pose. Never, and I do mean never, ask a guy to hold your purse. Ever. Don't do it. It's the most emasculating thing you could possibly ask of him.

What, you think that's trivial? It shouldn't be that big of a deal? Fine, consider the toilet seat in an upright position until further notice.

Anna said...

I think it's cute when a guy holds my purse! If he doesn't want to hold it, then I'll put it on my table or chair and say, "Watch my purse, please." Hopefully that won't threaten his masculinity too much. Regardless, some purse stewardship MIGHT happen. I'm just giving him fair warning.

Andrew said...

I'd like to propose that there is a manly way to hold a purse. Either hold it like a dirty diaper, away from you with arm parallel to the ground, or shove the thing under your arm like a football helmet.

No matter what, you have to hold it as haphazardly as possible. No actually holding the handles, or straps, or what have you. Just open up your hand, fill it with enough purse parts so as to not drop it, and grip until your better half or date or other such female returns.

Justin said...

Good call by Andrew. Don't let on that you know how to hold it, even though it's common sense. Perhaps it's some foreign object you've picked up and are still trying to figure out.

JPM said...

Dang, I would have been a great choice for this! I own a few nice suits and shoes AND I'm a comic book artist.

Arrived via the Rob Wilcox article, great writing!

Anna said...

Thanks! I was lucky enough to find a date. Whew!

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