December 26, 2011

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Talk During The Movie

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I will chuck him clear across this theater with zero hesitation
Warning: chatty people in the movies turn me into the Hulk. Consequently, I will fucking sock his nose if he tries to talk to me during this film. I didn't pick out which movie I wanted to see, figure out when and where it's playing, decide on which showing to attend, get in my freezing car and drag my ass down to this theater to listen to his constant narration! He isn't Ron Howard and this isn't an episode of Arrested Development; there's no narration needed here. This is a narration-free zone. 

I swear to god, if he leans in and whispers in my ear more than once about anything happening on-screen, I will take this medium-sized bag of popcorn and jam it up his goddam piehole. He'll be sneezing popcorn for the next five years if he doesn't shut his trap on the double.

And, I don't care if it's just the previews! Once the lights dim, his mouth needs to stop moving. Sure, this is a highly-edited three-minute preview of a movie I probably won't see unless I'm hungover on a Sunday sometime in 2014 and it's playing on one of several Cinemax channels, but whatever. Once we hear that old guy say in the preview,  "In a time when," he needs to relegate his mouth to Jujufruit chewing and Diet Coke sipping and THAT'S IT!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

If socializing during a movie is a faux pas, why not just go alone?

Anna said...

We can talk about the movie after! Who socializes while the movie is playing? That's crazy!

Anonymous said...

Depends on the movie. Summer blockbuster: minor talking. Cheesy horror: talk away. Chick-flick: nap time. Historical Drama: no talking. Action movie: full narration required. Really you have to play it by ear. Movies make bad dates, anyway.

Cosmic Leader said...

Not to mention that it's as rude as all hell to other people trying to watch the movie. The only think worse is some fidgety kid kicking the back of your seat.

Anna said...

Movies make great dates if the guy sits there and holds my hand then we discuss the nuances after over beers.

Kapitan said...

Between each preview, friends and I like to play a little game giving thumbs up or down... Quick harassment may happen depending on those thumbs... are quick convers and non-verbal actions OK?

Then we are glued to the screen for the movie.

Some dates have enjoyed this, others just meh.

Blue Light J said...

I don't understand this world where people eat candy, yet drink Diet Coke.

samantha said...

my ex husband and I would talk during a movie, it's just how we were, but it wasn't one sided.

My current boyfriend? The first time we went to the movies, I asked him if he was the type of person who needed to sit there in complete silence during the movie and he said yes so I didn't bug him.

Of course we saw the last Harry Potter movie and I had not seen the other ones so I had NO idea what was going on lol

Thomas A.K. said...

Love the High Fidelity reference up there :)

Anna said...

Yay! You got the High Fidelity reference! SWEET!

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