November 2, 2011

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like It When Girls Wear Makeup"

It's funny; I was going to write about this topic today but then I saw that the subject was just broached by the site Animals Talking In All Caps. So, here it is, re-posted from their site for your pleasure:
I'm an animal and I'm talking in caps
THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION REGARDING MY EYELINER, BUT LET ME EXPLAIN A COUPLE THINGS TO YOU:

1. I DON’T WEAR IT FOR YOU, NOR DO I PICK OUT MY OUTFITS BASED ON WHAT I THINK MEN WILL LIKE. YOUR CONSTANT OGLING HAS NO BEARING ON MY DECISION TO FLATTER MY FIGURE OR ENHANCE MY NATURAL FEATURES WITH BEAUTY PRODUCTS. THAT IS YOUR GENDER’S CONSTANT MISGUIDED PERCEPTION.

2. YOU DON’T LIKE “WOMEN WHO DON’T WEAR MAKEUP.” YOU LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE WEARING CONCEALER AND BARE ESSENTIALS FOUNDATION CAREFULLY BLENDED INTO THEIR NECKLINE, CHEEKS TINTED LIGHTLY WITH SOFT ROSY CREAM BLUSH, EYESHADOW ONE SHADE DARKER THAN THEIR FOUNDATION, EYELASHES DOTTED WITH GREY PENCIL AND LIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENHANCED WITH A LIGHT BERRY GLOSS. THAT’S PROBABLY $200 WORTH OF CREAMS AND POWDERS AND TAKES MORE TIME TO APPLY THAN YOUR ENTIRE ‘SHIT, SHOWER AND SHAVE’ ROUTINE, ALL SO ASSHOLES LIKE YOU CAN TALK ABOUT ‘NATURAL BEAUTY’ WHILE WE’RE WAITING FOR A DAMNED BUS.

3. EVEN IF I HONESTLY CARED ABOUT YOUR AMATEUR MAKEUP CRITIQUES, I WOULDN’T IN A MILLION YEARS GO OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IGNORANT, BALDING FASHION CASUALTY WITH NOODLE ARMS AND A BEER GUT WHO CAN’T KEEP HIS EYES OR OPINIONS TO HIMSELF.

IF YOU KEEP TALKING TO ME I’M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR SANDALS UP YOUR ASS AND YOU CAN WADDLE HOME IN YOUR SOCKS.
My name is Anna Goldfarb and I approve of this message. You can't see me, but I'm doing a standing ovation. I'm also still laughing at the "noodle arms" part.

10 comments:

Lorraine said...

I'm about to contribute to your campaign. That was great : )

kateb said...

YES. thank you. I always hate the unavoidable eye-roll when I tell them I'm not wearing makeup because I think I'm ugly without it.

Anna said...

I LOVE wearing makeup too. That's just how I roll!

Anonymous said...

Why DO women wear makeup?

Rosemary said...

Anonymous, don't listen to them. We obviously wear it to seduce men, so that we can then steal their sperm. Seriously, it's a thing. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056875/Liz-Jones-baby-craving-drove-steal-husbands-sperm-ultimate-deception.html

Rosemary said...

(I wish I knew how to do HTML.)

Justin said...

Son of a bitch! This left a fat fuckin' red handprint across my face.

Anonymous said...

"I really like it when the girl I'm dating looks great in the morning without makeup".

Anonymous said...

I like pores and freckles and ruddy complexions.

CONCEALER RUINS THIS.

-a bro who knows what make-up does and is reading your entire blog while killing time at work

Anna said...

You get to see my freckles first thing in the morning when we wake up. The rest of society gets to be spared from my dark circles. It's a win/win sitch!

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