May 3, 2012

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Take Long Showers

When I take a long time in the shower, it's because I'm working. Let's say I've got a big date that night. That means I've got two legs to shave, two armpits to also shave, 85% of my body to exfoliate using special gloves I bought at Ulta, and I have to let my deep conditioner properly sit for the recommended 3-5 minutes. I'm fucking busy.

So, it irritates me that he's taking so long because I know for a fact that he's not doing anything in there. He's just standing around zoning out. And, I'm getting sick of tapping my toe while he suds up. He's been in there for over a half hour! Is he dead? Is he scrubbing every molecule on his skin individually? Hurry the fuck up, man. I still have to put my makeup on and he's hogging the bathroom like a shitty older sister.

If I didn't have such an aversion to knocking on bathroom doors and saying, "Hey! Everything okay in there?" I would knock on the door and say, "Hey! Everything okay in there?" But, I have a strict no-knocking on bathroom doors policy so I guess I'll just sit here, make another cocktail and angrily check my watch every 30 seconds.

And, it's not just annoying that his shower took almost 45 minutes (!), but when he finally opens the door, a giant steam cloud whooshes out of the bathroom like he's a Ninja Turtle emerging out of a sewer grate. He's not the hot lady in Weird Science or Nigel Tufnel; he doesn't need to turn my bathroom into a makeshift fog machine. Great; all this humidity in the bathroom is going to make doing my hair a bitch. Let me tell you, I'm two dirty martinis away from kicking the door in and screaming, "Let's get this show on the road already! I still have to curl my hair and you're fucking ruining everything!"

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

3rd paragraph strict not strick.
totally agree. :)

Anna said...

Thanks! Fixed it. Cheers!

Solo4114 said...

"So, it irritates me that he's taking so long because I know for a fact that he's not doing anything in there. He's just standing around zoning out."

Or is he?

Anna said...

He is. Again, refer to the part about I know "for a fact" :)

House of Jules said...

Anna, you KNOW what men are doing when they take long showers. Don't make me spell it out. ;)

Anna said...

I know but it doesn't take 45 minutes to jerk off! Especially if I'm in the next room and we're getting ready to go out for dinner or something. My ex would take long showers and I'd be like, "What the hell?" and he'd be totally clueless that he was taking so long. It's like he thought he was in a luxury spa or some shit.

Solo4114 said...

I suppose he could just be relaxing in there. If that's the case, though, timing is the real key. Personally, I don't care if someone takes a long shower in general, as long as (A) they don't kill all the hot water, and (B) they don't make us late or make me have to race around like a lunatic. Although another solution to this is to simply shower with your significant other, if you feel comfortable doing that.

Anna said...

When I was with my ex, we'd shower together occasionally, but it wasn't the best arrangement if a) I had to do serious beauty routine things like I described above or b) was having my period. Or maybe I knew I'd have to doll up that night so I'd volunteer to shower first so I could start getting ready while he was in the shower since I knew it'd take me longer to get ready. There's different scenarios.

Solo4114 said...

Yeah, that all makes sense.


Oh! Just thought of another possible explanation:

He's "waiting for the water to heat up" and sitting on the can reading a magazine while he waits.

Anonymous said...

How long is a "long" shower? At one point you mentioned 45 minutes. Does that include everything (such as shaving) or just time in the shower itself?

Anna said...

I'm talking about being in the shower with the water running for 45 minutes!

Anonymous said...

That is excessive, especially in another person's house.

Anonymous said...

Hate the humidity in the bathroom when trying to tame wild mane of hair, ug!
Perhaps you should install a machine that takes quarters?

Anonymous said...

A whole 45 minutes in the shower with the water running is idiocy. On the other hand perhaps you are so hot the guy needs a cold shower, which is about all he is likely to be getting at 45 minutes.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to the "standing around zoning out"! I've been watching my husband do this for at least 7 years. And emerging out of a "steam cloud"! I thought I was the only one! It feels so icky walking into that! I often have to open the door in the middle of his showers to let the steam out, even though he likes it when the bathroom gets all hot and steamy like a sauna...Too bad!

Thanks for posting this. I had a good laugh. Luckily I am able to tell my husband that he needs to hurry up and get out when I need to shower. I wish you luck with your beau.

Anonymous said...

My husband takes 30 minute showers every morning and it makes me want to punch him in the face. Our water bill is extremely high. He claims that it takes him that long to clean his body but I think he is just being a wasteful water pig.

Anonymous said...

really, leave the bro alone. who gives do do?!!... dam chill
its a shower not an armed robbery

Post a Comment