December 19, 2012

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Think It's Cool To Drink Absinthe

I don't mean to generalize here, but I'm 99.99% sure that I'm not gonna wanna exchange flirty texts with a guy who thinks it's edgy to drink absinthe. Here's why:
  1. It basically tastes like the worst thing I can think of happening. It tastes like licorice that got food poisoning, threw up on my new duvet cover then burped in my face right after I was crying from accidentally glimpsing the commercial with the puppies in it that features the Sarah McLachlan song. It tastes like having Dr. Phil yell at me. It tastes like being mistaken for Donald Trump. It tastes like sending a sext to my dad by accident.   

  2. Fuck wormwood. Just fuck it in the face. I don't even know what it is, but like the Twilight movie franchise, I know that I won't like it on intuition.

  3. Fuck the silly theatrics. Yes, lighting a sugar cube on fire for a cocktail is a teensy bit cool, but it's not that cool. Besides, it makes him look like a magician or something aiming the flame like that. Watching him burn the sugar with his Bic lighter is the most he's concentrated on anything since trying to figure out if the woman in line at Whole Foods a few months ago was the ex-girlfriend he's avoiding. *fart noise*

  4. Fuck caring about what Van Gogh drank when he cut off his ear. How is this a selling point? I don't get it. I saw an episode of Jerry Springer once where a guy cut off his own leg. Do I give a shit about what he had for breakfast? No! If I shrugged any harder about this, I'd probably pinch a nerve.

  5. Fuck anyone who calls this drink "the green fairy." I danced with an actual green fairy once and it was in New Orleans during Mardi Gras and to be honest, it wasn't that pleasant. He kept trying to grab my ass so I knocked his red Solo cup out of his hand and kneed him in the balls. I don't fuck with green fairies! It's practically my life's motto.
Thumbs down, absinthe drinkers!


LakiSwirl said...

I LOVE the way your brain works.

Drew said...

Mmmm, absinthe is yummy though.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you've had the fake absinithe experience turn you away from the real stuff. Distilled wormwood is wonderfully floral and doesn't taste like that turpintine-random-alcohol-dyed-green shit they give suckers at tourist traps in Europe.

The green fairy is a myth (always was) and you should never light it on fire, that's from those silly tourist traps as well.

Once someone understands absinthe it's no longer "edgy" or cool in and of itself. It's just booze really. People who drum up the myths look like retards to absintheurs who know the history and science behind it.

It does contain anise so if that flavor isn't your thing then well, I don't know how to help you. Other than maybe we should just drink Scotch together.

Anonymous said...

Better than PBR at the Barbary, though.

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