March 11, 2013

Guest Post: 5 Things I Wish My Crushes Would Stop Posting on Facebook

I'm lucky to have the lovely Jo Pincushion pen her very first Shmitten Kitten post for us today. She helms the popular all-female podcast, The Pincushion, (here's the episode I was on!) and writes for a bunch of blogs around town. And she had it up to HERE *holds hand above head* with the dumb shit her crushes post. Take it away, Jo.
Oh Facebook, what would we do without you? How would we know what underground bar with overpriced drinks is hosting which trendy event, or when to be jealous of our former high school classmates and when to hide their updates from our feed altogether? Yes Facebook, you serve many purposes, but there is only one that I find particularly entertaining: flirting with dudes. I have to say, it streamlines the process when it comes to launching an amateur online investigation of your potential mate. But sometimes I see things on his page that I can’t unsee. Hey crushes, here are the five things I wish you would stop posting on Facebook.  
1. Your love of Harlem Shake videos. I get it. That meme is addictive, and you can’t wait to see which awkward group of white nerds creates one next, BUT STOP. Your Internet prowess used to give me a total lady boner, but once you posted The Simpson’s version with the status “OmgZ! ToTTally ThE BeST 1!” it deflated faster than Brett Michael's chances of winning "Celebrity Apprentice."   
2. Your extensive photoshoots. Look, I know you have photographer friends who “need to practice their art,” but seriously, step away from the "upload photo" button. Not because the pictures don’t look good, but because they look too good. I’m bound to find myself drunkenly ogling them at 2:30 in the morning wondering whether or not to sext you.  
3. Your enthusiasm over guns. Nothing says “I have really small dick” more to me than the constant stream of statuses praising the 2nd Amendment. If you need a semi-automatic weapon in order to feel like a man then I’ll probably end up nicknaming your penis “The Little Pistol That Couldn’t.”  
4. Your mustache. I don’t care how ironic it is, shave that fucker off. A mustache like that doesn’t belong on your beautiful face. Hurry! The longer that thing stays above your lip, the faster you slink into my “creepy uncle” psyche of sexual confusion.  
5. Your girlfriends. I mean seriously. Does she have to be in your profile picture EVERY TIME? Come on dude, stop being one half of that adorable couple I wish I was in. Oh, and why does she have to be so pretty and nice? Damn you both!
I'd like to add a few to this list. Please stop posting pictures where you're digging your toes into a beach; it's too Stella Got Her Groove Back-y for my tastes. And stop posting pictures where you're at a sporting event and everyone is leaning into the frame smiling with their arms around each other. I just think that's a goofy picture to post, especially if everyone in the photo is over 21. He should be enjoying his beer and yelling at the field, not flashing his pearly whites for a goddamn FB photo. Anything else you wish your crush would stop posting? Tell us in the comments.  

Be sure to check out Jo's site and follow her on Twitter @JoPincushion.


Anonymous said...

My ex was SUPER into guns... and had a micropeen. (It was actually really fun going shooting with him though)

jackie casey said...

I find it particularly depressing to read about all the places my crush has recently been especially since his social life is equivalent to Eminem where, alas, my social calendar is about as exciting as the local 73yr old librarian's who crochets dresses for her extensive doll collection!

Liz said...

Vague status updates and inside jokes are the worst. I want to be in on it! Yeah if I could just maintain a glimmer of hope, that'd be greeaat.

Unknown said...

Facebook nowadays is like a habit of everyone though it’s one of the biggest trending site all over the world. Facebook helps you connect more easier to your friends, relatives or even love ones. More people are now using facebook as part of thier everyday life because they can post everything whatever they wanted to. As time goes by facebook is always on it’s innovation and now we can customize our Facebook Cover Photo.

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