April 19, 2013

Real Talk: His Kitchen Equipment Better Be On-Point

From Shelby, who really likes it when a dude has kickass kitchen gadgets:
This is what I'm like when I see his Kitchen-Aid standing mixer
About me: I'm Belieber-level of insane about food. I love food more than Kristen Stewart
loves looking bored at red carpet events. It’s safe to say roughly 95% of my life decisions revolve around food, and who I choose to invite to the Shelby party of two better be on board with that. 
If I walk into his house and see a ragged box of Cheerios, a bottle of watery ketchup rolling solo in the fridge, and a loaf of bread that’s gone stale from neglect, I can only assume a cranky toddler did his grocery shopping. When I saw that he only owned four cereal bowls, a pint glass he jacked from St. Patrick’s Day 2010 and a mishmash of kitchen items that look as if they were lifted from the breakroom of The Land of Misfit Toys, I can’t help but do the slow wall slide. Sorry dude, my vagina has gone full-on Popple and playtime is over.

So imagine my delight when I walked into his kitchen for the first time and saw what appears to be either the entire wedding registry list of cookware he won in the divorce settlement or at the very least, a serious-as-all-hell set of pots and pans. Are those REAL knives, too? Stop it. You know how to grill a steak to Instagram-worthy perfection? Swoon. WAIT. Is that a decanter?! You deCAN unzip this dress, you Williams-Sonoma wonder.

At this point, I’m sure you’re asking, “Shelby, why do you care?” or “Why are you such a judgy dick?” Both fair questions. Listen, a guy that can get it done in the kitchen is 100% the sex because chances are he’s creative, clever and *TRUMPETS PLEASE* a man. So ladies, or dudes that like dudes, keep those eyes peeled for a Kitchen-Aid because you've found yourself a three-Michelin star fella. Now to answer your second question: it’s probably because I’m hungry.


Mandy said...

Dude. I was seeing a guy who offered to make me dinner one night. Spaghetti and meatballs. Cool.

...except his version of spaghetti and meatballs was JUST plain spaghetti with reheated frozen meatballs on top. Nope. Horrible. Done.

Shelby said...

Oh, girrrrrrl. A frozen meatball in a plain noodle nest does not a boyfriend make.

Anonymous said...

Popples FTW!

NP said...

"Hey baby....wanna see my kitchen aid and pasta maker attachments?"

"I've got a ricer and immersion blender too....and know how to use both of them"

Sweet, new pickup lines!

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