August 27, 2013

Oh No He Di'int Flip Flop On Me Again

First of all, gentlemen, I'm not hating on your footwear.

(Okay, I am hating on your mandals a teensy bit because I live in New York City. There is nary a bodily fluid, human or otherwise, that I haven't encountered on these sidewalks. And yet you chose shoes that both expose your toes and can slip off at a moment's notice to traverse this gooey rat-tracked hellscape? I mean, fine -- you do you -- but you're washing those disease-riddled stumps at the ends of your ankles before you bring them up in my bed. Or my apartment. Or perhaps even my building.)

See how squeaky clean those tootsies are? 
It's because she's never set foot on land before.
No, this post is not about a toejam-related issue, but a matter of making up your damned mind. Because nothing frustrates me more than a guy who can't decide whether or not to make a move. This is the Hokey Pokey dance of modern courtship and the one-foot-in and one-foot-out-ness needs to die a quick death because it's more irritating than reading think pieces about the sociological implications of Miley Cyrus' twerking.

Flip Flops are the guys who invite a dozen different potential suitors to any given social gathering, then spend the entire night juggling them like some kind of Clown College honor student. (Not that I'm jealous of his juggling skills.) They're the guys who flirt shamelessly with you during the playoffs but are nowhere to be found when your team blows a save in the final game of the World Series. They're veritable unicorns: unless you're actually looking them in the eye, you simply can't be sure they exist -- and no amount of one-sided texting will serve to conjure them back.

(Side note: Ladies, if he didn't respond to your text, seven more are not going to do the trick. Trust.)

Feelings come and go, crushes are fickle things, and he reserves the right to change his mind. Fine. All that, I can abide. But as a glutton for punishment, I'm wont to let these waffling motherfuckers back into my life when they reappear, which sets the scene for them to do it over and over and over and over again.

What can I say?  I fall easily and often, and not just because I'm clumsy.
Gentlemen, please, think of me as your fragile pinky toe and your constant back-and-forth bullshit as a threadbare mandal incapable of protecting me from the late August funk of our city's streets. Just because you know I'll still be there if and when you invest in a sensible pair of closed-toe shoes doesn't make it fair to expose me to the elements over and over again. Either ask me out, or don't...and stop with the goddamned flip flops.


Anonymous said...

It's 2013, you can make a move too. Guys are stupid. They don't know what to do or when to do it. Doesn't mean they don't like you. Just means they can't read signals or can't figure out if you're into them, and they don't want to embarrass themselves.

I know several couples where the guy had no clue and the girl made the first move. One is now happily married and the other, while new, can induce vomiting with their happiness.

If a guy seems like he likes you, and you're into him, go for it. You're smarter than he is when it comes to these things. Guys are stupid.

Anonymous said...

-a dude

Anonymous said...

He's just not that into you. If he knows your into him and he's back and forth, have some effing self respect and move on.

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