August 8, 2013

He Has Hella Girls Liking His Boring Ass Status Updates? Fuck That!

Damn, am I good at spotting and then collecting red flags when it comes to dudes. I’m super terrible at making him my boyfriend, but if he has a spark of NONOONOOOOOOORUNOMGALERTALERTRUN? Challenge accepted! Have a prison-looking tattoo on your arm that represents a really dark time you don’t want to talk about when we’re on date one? Are they covering tracks, bro? YES. GET INTO MY GLASS CASE OF BAD DECISION TROPHIES. Do your online dating emails read like a teenage girl’s text to her BFF? OMG UR ENCREDIBUL. PLZ B W/ ME <3 <3 But he has a really good heart and a dog, he’s like, soooo great. MINE. When he posts something on Facebook and damn near every woman friend of his in a 500 mile radius likes his picture of his stupid ass lunch?


Though I may be a flag forager and skip like a moron in the field of fuckery, this red flag is the one that has beaten me into thinking like a normal, functioning adult ladyperson.

Ladies, if the new dude you’re digging on has a severe lack of testosterone in his friend basket and a boatload of chicks on the roster liking/commenting/putting those GD winky faces on his wall (especially those with names that could be a spice, stone or a name ending with the letter "i"), you better run like it’s Black Friday at Wal-Mart and a thousand bloodthirsty tigers are after you because their favorite meal is chunks of your ass. GTFO.

But SHELBSSSSSS! Having lots of female friends means he’s like, totally sensitive, or maybe he works in HR. It’s all breezy! Of course there are certain scenarios where a fella having tons of chick franzzzz is perfectly fine. Like if you’re a male cheerleader, one of those half-unicorn straight men that work in the beauty industry or some shit like that. But open your ears for a second, sweetheart. I’m about to drop some serious brain here. Hella lady friends + any of the following kinds of people = BUYER BEWARE (or risk weeks of making forts out of the Franzia Boxes you’ve been pouring into your face every night):
  • Dudes in any form of “glamorous” occupation, whatever that means to you. Handsome farm guy won the blue ribbon for a sow he raised on his pig farm and you’re from WherethefamI, NE? Ladies be cray.
  • Celebrities. Global, national or local. Doesn’t matter. If you don’t understand why, just, ugh. Why are you on this site?
  • The guy in his friend circle known as the “cute one” but is strangely single 365 days a year since the age of 13.
Listen, if you’re the type of broad who enjoys trying to prove people wrong and just looooves a challenge (me), go right ahead and show me that these types of men are just misunderstood dark brooding types that make excellent boyfriends and I should put my fist in my mouth and STFU, go ahead and email me at and I will happily send you a picture with my hand in my mouth. You can then give that picture to your man so he can put an artsy filter on it and throw it on his Instagram. You know who will like it? ERRRY LADY HE IS HOLLERIN’ AT BUT YOU.

You know I’m right.


Anonymous said...

That awkward moment that you realize you are that guy. Shit.

Shelby said...

SAVE YO' SELF! Really, just don't be a dick, which is good advice in nearly every situation.

Anonymous said...

Players make plays.

Anonymous said...

whats up with the lame lingo from 2011 you keep using

Shelby said...

Because I'm a time-traveler.

Anonymous said...

"I'm going to focus on your choice of words because the actual meaning behind those words hits way too close to home and I'm not about to admit to myself or anyone else that I can be a total douchebag."

Whatever, Shelbs, I laughed my way through this!

Shelby said...

Glad I could make you laugh! And let's be real, we can ALL be total douchebags, no one is immune.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I just had one of those! Abort! Abort! Seriously, if you're a dude that does this, knock it off. No chick is going to date you if she has to wade through the dredges of your former hook up endeavors. That kind of shit is lame.

Aaron said...

Shelby is crap funny! Kick ass attitude. Keep pluggin' 'em and you'll find the keeper in all the trash you gotta wade thru.

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