My nails have been chipped to the point of no return. I bought more shirts covered in sequins than even I can stand and I recently got legitimately drunk in the bathtub. Like, “Friday night” drunk. I'm an animal!
You may say, “Don’t give in to spinsterhood!” but fear not, I know this is a temporary fix for a temporary problem. When you enter the honeymoon stage of loneliness, you tread a fine line. On one hand, it’s easy to enjoy the pleasure of your newfound freedom. And on the other hand, it’s also easy to slip into an unforgivable spiral of devouring self-help books and watching reality television in your granny panties. Don’t watch reality television in your granny panties.
For those of you who can keep your eye on the prize (ending the dry spell), here are a couple perks that you should definitely enjoy while it lasts:
1. Your diet goes out the window. I’m not just talking ice cream and Netflix when you’re “sad.” I mean deli sandwiches for lunch and Chinese food takeout for dinner every night. If you’re dating, you might even indulge in some pornographic grilled cheese to prove how down to earth you are to your new side beau. You’ll start your new diet tomorrow, right?
Wrong. The very idea of a diet during a dry spell is like when BuzzFeed editors reminisce about their mid-twenties. It’s funny to make lists about but unrealistic to attempt again.
2. Conversely, you might exercise more often to compensate for the $5 footlong-sized guilt hanging out in your stomach. With all of your new spare time, you might even call your slightly overbearing running friends and convince them that you’re really serious about putting in some distance this time (you’re not).
3. You can take care of your shit again. Knock off a few outstanding to-do list items. Crossing off those domestic pipe dreams is like opening presents on Christmas morning. I imagine that an angel gets its wings every time I actually fold my laundry or work on my resume. I'm on top of my errands for once
4. You can get back in touch with your favorite guilty pleasures. We all know a good man should indulge you in a "Hills" marathon from time to time but, realistically speaking, it’s a rare treat. Your dry spell is a good time to gorge on your favorite celebrity obsessions and start preparing yourself for the inevitable withdraw cycle that comes with your new couch buddy.
5. You stop looking for reasons to get out of hanging out with your friends and potential guys.
Since you’ve stopped worrying about striking out, you’re going to be a little more open to new experiences. For better or for worse, you can throw caution to the wind and stay for that nightcap. No one is waiting for you to get home, so why not? You may even tell that potential guy what you really think about his stance on Obamacare.
Knowing that dry spell perks are temporary (read: I stepped on the scale yesterday), I’d like to dedicate a moment of silence for these fleeting pleasures. You’ll have to wake up eventually; you’ll have to start running and you’ll have to stop calling everyone “betch.” But for now, enjoy the mirage.