This Week: The Wake 'n' Cringe

The wake and cringe happens to the best of us. The scenario goes something like this: You had one too many Philly specials last night. Really, just having one Philly special is one too many if you ask me, but I digress.

Groaning, you sit up in bed and wipe last night's smeared mascara from under your eyes. For a second you feel like Courtney Love as you stagger to the bathroom for a cup of water. You gulp it down in an effort to relieve your severe case of cottonmouth. As you inspect your reflection in the mirror, you see a handful of unexplained scrapes and bumps scattered across your body.

Hey, where'd that creepy bruise on your thigh come from? Oh right, you fell off the stage dancing to Girl Talk. Twice. Slowly the mist of your hangover begins to clear and then the awfulness of last night's antics come flooding back to you in what can only be described as a cringestorm.

Did you really say those things to your ex last night? Oh yes, you did. Your stomach flip-flops as you check your text message outbox. What were you thinking? You acted a fool and everyone knows it. Oh, Christ. Who hasn't done the wake 'n' cringe?

The following are a few tales of our own bouts with the wake 'n' cringe. Enjoy and feel free to submit your own cringe-filled morning stories in all their glory to us at tips@shmittenkitten.com.

This Week: The Wake 'n' Cringe

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Wake 'n' Cringe: The Hammock Request -SHOT DOWN!

There are have been way too many incidences where I have engaged in the wake 'n' cringe. For handy cringestorming, they're usually right in my text message outbox; my sloppy, late-night "great" ideas recorded for me to slap my forehead over come daybreak. Recounting all of my wake 'n' cringe moments would take an entire army of blogs and I'd have to hire assistants to type it all out. Since I don't have that kind of time or cash to throw around, I'll just relay my most recent instance of the wake 'n' cringe.

I was at a house party in Fishtown the other week. Upon arrival, the host--let's call him MC Hammock--gave me a tour of his new house and lead me out to the patio so we could catch up a bit. I used to smooch this guy a bit last year, so we have a eensy teensy tiny bit of history between us. No big whoop.

As I surveyed the backyard, I noticed a hammock perched precariously between two trees. I blurted out that we should go snuggle in the hammock together and raised my eyebrows to really drive the point home.

He gave me this look that was part-confusion and part-wtf. I don't even think he said anything; he just straight-up walked away. Crickets chirped and tumbleweeds rolled around in his backyard. Things got very quiet. I looked over at the superfun netted-contraption. It swung in the breeze ever so slightly, as if to mock me and my total crash and burn.

So, I pretended like nothing happened and nonchalantly walked back into the party. In fact, I totally erased the entire exchange from my memory as soon as it happened. It was like the Men in Black themselves swooped in and wiped my memory clean.

Until the morning. Over breakfast, Jenna playfully chided me about how I propositioned the dude. Apparently, I was all, "Stop! Hammock time!" and he was all "U Can't Touch This." I cringed so hard I wanted roll up into a ball and roll myself into a neighboring county. *heavy sigh*

Awww, man. I made a snuggle request and was denied! That was stone cold. I felt just like when Wayne wanted to play "Stairway to Heaven" at the guitar store and the store clerk just pointed to the "No Stairway to Heaven" sign on the wall. "No Stairway? DENIED!"

Well, some day, when I get a house with my own backyard, I'm going to erect the most amazing tricked out hammock with fluffy pillows, drink holders and a boomin' sound system embedded in the ropes. I'll swing in it all day long, sippin' fancy drinks. And, I'll throw my own hammock snuggle parties and invite all the hottest guys in the neighborhood. We will swing and snuggle until the sun comes up. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Wake 'n' Cringe: The Hammock Request -SHOT DOWN!

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