May 11, 2008

Park Life: Dos and Don'ts (Well, Mostly Don'ts)

After being buried under coats and scarves for the past few months, it feels great to leave the house (jacket-free!) and sit in the park soaking up the rays. And, Rittenhouse Square Park is such a fantastic spot for premium park time. However, after looking at Philly's menfolk milling around park-side for the past few weeks, I have been astounded at some of the trends that I have witnessed.

Dudes, here's a quick, handy guide for y'alls about what makes us turn to our buddies and whisper about you--and not in a good way.
  • Rollerbladers: we are in-line-haters of the in-line-skaters! Hackers was a cool movie and we know it made laptops and rollerblades look cool for about one month sometime in the mid-'90s, but honestly, those rollerblades have got to go!
  • Mandals (dudes wearing sandals): This shit just looks terrible, especially when worn with socks. Cringe. Hairy toes are not hot!
  • Any activity taking place in a circle which can include: hackysack circles, drum circles, and acoustic guitar circles. These activity circles--and we use the word "activity" loosely here--are always a low scene. It makes it exponentially worse when the participants take their shirts off and let their gnarly armpit hair flap in the wind.
  • Bad singing and crappy guitar playing by a pseudo art hippy that doesn't have enough friends to form the aforementioned acoustic guitar circle. It takes all of my self-control to not throw my empty coffee cup at him while he's doing his terrible rendition of "I Shot the Sheriff" for the fourth time in a row.
  • Uglyish dudes with a cute puppy who don't stop when kids want to pet it, but stops for any hot chick who's slightly interested in his dog. It's lame and we can see right through this puppy pimp! Someone should call PETA on this dodo.


Post a Comment