February 18, 2009

Bonerkiller: Sheltered Suburbanites

We've made it a rule to never date a guy who lives in the suburbs. Sure, at first it sounds appealing that he is a homeowner and owns a car--two things that can be very rare with city boys--but everything else about his suburban living situation is unbelievably annoying.

For one thing, they never know of any good restaurants. They only come to the city once a month and when they do, they always go to the same three bars. Consequently, you'll have to pick the places you go to on every single date. This will get old, fast. And, they will have no clue about where to go for a good brunch. Again, that will fall on your shoulders.

Sheltered Suburbanites will be overly concerned about where to park their car in your neighborhood and will ask you a minimum of four times if where they parked is "safe." Like clockwork, they will get lost easily on our oh so complicated city streets. If you like giving directions over your cell phone to a panicky dude who took a wrong turn down Broad Street, then by all means, date a suburbanite.

And, forget about going to their house for a date. Once you drive a half-hour to their under-decorated condo, the panic will set in because it will dawn on you that you are in the middle of nowhere. When he explains that you two will have to get in a car and drive to the nearest bar, well that's just not fun. You will frown. Take it from us, when he whips out his GPS system to find Johnny Brenda's, it will deflate any boner you might've had.


elizabeth marley said...

Every time a guy says to me, "So you live in the city?" Check please! It's a surefire sign he's from the 'burbs.

Anna said...


Lora said...

I have experienced the sheltered suburbanite numerous times and this is so dead on its ridiculous. I recently spent an hour alone at Johnny B's for a show while I waited for this dude who was lost at GIRARD AND FRANKFORD! Is that even possible? However, he did think everything about me was super interesting because I lived in the city...but at that point its not even a compliment anymore.

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