April 6, 2009

Bonerkiller: Hygiene Boycotters

There are three types of hygiene boycotters we've encountered:

1. The Betting Man
He has made a bet with two or more friends to see who can go the longest without showering. Accordingly, he has given little, if any thought to how this will impact your relationship. When you make a scrunched up face at his rampant BO, he just shrugs. This hygiene boycott is the worst because the more you protest it, the more fun the contest becomes for him. Suddenly he's not just an unshowered dude, now he's an unshowered dude who will command the respect of his peers for not giving an eff what you think. How charming.

2. The Hippy Dippy
Newsflash: your gel crystal rock natural deodorant from Whole Foods is not effective. We can still smell you AND we can see your massive sweat stains under your pits. May we suggest a little product called Speed Stick. It's not expensive. Try it.

3. The Flat Out Denier
He refuses to acknowledge that he smells bad. In fact, he will argue with you if you ask him to shower before your date to a fancy restaurant. Does his nose not work? What, is he the Wicked Witch of the West and he is afraid of melting if he gets wet? Why does he resist the cleaning process so much? How can he be so unconcerned with our olfactory sense? We have fantasies about leaving a trail of Miller High Lifes to the shower and when he drinks the last one, we'll just push him in and turn on the faucet. We're not kidding; it has become that dire. Hey, buddy! You smell like a tuna can. Please stop smelling like a tuna can. That'd be great.


Julia said...

I am amazed that you would even consider going into the apartment of a man who smells bad.

Anna said...

Me too! It's not something I'm proud of. But, in my defense, these stinky dudes have a way of sneaking up on you. Like one of the Flat Out Deniers was an out of town guest who came to stay with me for a few days. How was I to know that he stunk beforehand?

And, one Hippy Dippy was a boy from out of state that I was staying with. What was I gonna do? Leave town 'cause he was smelly?

It's tough out there. I don't make the rules, I just report 'em.

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