April 5, 2009

Bonerkiller: Love Lockdowners

You are interested in being my boyfriend. I can tell because within thirty minutes of meeting me you have planned out our entire relationship, which you are eager to outline.
  • On our first date, you will take me out for a nice dinner.
  • On our second date, I'll make you dinner.
  • On our third date, I'll help you pick out a cat.
  • On our fourth date, I'll go with you to Target and we'll buy a chaise lounge for your living room.
  • On our fifth date, we'll go to a pool party at your brother's house where I'll meet your family.
  • On our sixth date, we'll get married.
Wait, what? I haven't even decided what I'm going do in the next hour and you've already decided on our future children's names. In the time it took to swig a pint, he's put a deposit down on our honeymoon vacation, now has me listed me as his emergency contact at work and has tweaked his will to make sure that I am the sole inheritor of his prized baseball card collection. Talking to you is like watching the final montage sequence of Six Feet Under where we see how all the characters die. Slow down there, Guy. Your rush to lock me in as your future bride is giving me whiplash.

I'm glad you have this all worked out considering that you don't know my last name or how tall I am because I haven't moved from the barstool since you introduced yourself. Although it's flattering that you'd like to be legally bound to me in holy matrimony, your zealousness rocketed from "enchanting" to "alarming" in record time. Uh, no thanks.

Oh, and I'm totally not helping you pick out a cat.


Victoria said...

I totally agree. I went on two dates with a guy and he started texting me his hour to hour actions as if we were married, it was so overwhemling! I had to cut the poor guy off. Also, I just happen to post pictues of a skull and cross boner cake I made this weekend, could alsmot be the logo for your boner killer column! Ha ha
Check out sufferingfromnostalgia.blogspot.com!

esther ruth said...

oh man... that's like so similar to the bros who dare to tell me I 'seem like a sweet girl' the second time we hang out ... are you FROM my planet?

Aunt Bee said...

ha. i remember when i got my first studio apartment. my first *my own* place, what i'd been dreaming of for years. around the same time, i started dating someone who, about two weeks in, at best, said, "we need to get some chairs for this kitchen table." i dumped him three hours later.

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