June 22, 2009

Quick Rant: Dude, You Are Not Good At Giving Massages

You just made us dinner, you're cracking us up with your A+ funny stories, but we're gonna have to pass on your offer to give us a massage. You know why? Because you are terrible at giving massages. In fact, you somehow manage to give the least relaxing massages we've ever had. Your "technique"--if that's what you want to call it--is basically to beat up our muscles with your fingers, one knead at a time. It's like you learned how to do this by just mimicking what you've seen on TV. And, for the record, these are yelps of pain, not relief. Who yelps when they are getting a massage? That should've been your first clue.

And, you keep slathering our back with Vaseline Intensive Care lotion out of an old, crusty bottle. This is probably the worst-smelling lotion you could've picked. It smells like a medicine cabinet farted. And, seeing as how it's our fourth date and the bottle is nearly empty, we assume you used it on your last girlfriend, too. Great. See? This is the kind of stuff running through our head as you pound our back with your hand hammers. This is the opposite of relaxing.

We would've said something to you about this earlier, but you seem so confident about your massage-giving abilities. In fact, you downright boasted about them. Who are we to crush your ego like that? We might be smelly and sore but at least we're not smelly, sore, and mean.

7 comments:

Jon Asher said...

I hate to break this to you, but that bottle isn't empty because of his last girlfriend.

Anna said...

Not to be too crass, but NOBODY uses Vaseline Intensive Care for that, right? It smells horrible!

Jon Asher said...

I don't actually know what it is, but I assume that if he's fine with using it for a massage, he's fine with using it for a MASSAGE.

Anna said...

AHAHA! I like your strategic use of capital letters to emphasize your point.

liberianbeauty88 said...

The worst is when I give a stupid guy an aMAZing massage and they give me the quick feel-up, calling it a massage. It's just mean.

And everyone knows a guy asks a girl for a massage if they wanna score (I guess this mostly applies to people not in relationships maybe?). So if you want to score, DELIVER.

Anna said...

Well put, my dear.

Baby J said...

Amen. I love it when a guy thinks a "massage" is digging his fingers into the boniest parts of my back, wtf? Haven't you ever heard of Muscles?

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