July 29, 2009

Reader Submission: Bonerkiller: I Eat More Than You

We received this letter from our reader, Steph. Apparently, she is not interested in dating a manorexic. We don't blame her. We dated a super skinny guy who was really into being super skinny and it made our Dairy Queen pop-ins kinda awkward. It's no fun when he orders a kiddie-sized vanilla soft serve in a cup and we'd order some insane brownie concoction in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone. He even scoffed at adding rainbow sprinkles to his boring, pitiful ice cream order. Who does that? If a guy is counting sprinkles towards his daily calorie intake, well, it's not hot. Sprinkles = fun = laughter = a warm hug from an old friend = rainbows = Care Bears = wide smiles = love. His bald little ice cream dish made us sad. We cried hot fudge tears (on the inside.)

Steph feels our pain:
I watch what I eat just as much as the next girl. I’m no Kool-Aid Man, but guys, if you get full after three bites of your burger or you’re defeated after four half-eaten wings, most likely these chicken fingers I'm jammin' on will prove to be more memorable than you.

Let me put it like this: girls love food. We think about what we’re going to eat for lunch while we’re eating breakfast. But, we also love to feel skinny. And we don’t want to sit there feeling guilty about eating a beautiful club sandwich we’d been fantasizing about for weeks just because you had five mini carrot sticks for lunch four hours ago. We don't wanna date no bunny, honey.

So if we are letting you see us eat two dollar dogs at the game, it probably means:
a) we like you
b) we expect a high five when we're done chomping
c) we want you to make an approving, "How do you manage to keep that figure and slam those hot dogs like a champ?" face at us as we lick our fingers.
While I'm on the subject, here are some phrases you should never say to us:

  • Oh, I don’t really snack much
  • Pizza? We just ate!
  • I didn’t eat all day but I’m not really hungry
  • What’s Hoagiefest?
I realize a lot of you guys need to keep your hips trim to fit in those tight jeans, but it would go a long way with me if you'd man up and finish that cheesesteak before I finish it for you.


Elizabeth said...

Amen Steph!

Jon K said...

As a gentleman whose ribs can not be seen without the aid of an X-ray, thank you. candy bar that I've been singing to at my desk all afternoon and I appreciate all of your hard work and healthy appetite.

miguel dagz said...

can u cry some hot fudge tears for me? cause i'm never gonna be able to out eat anyone :( it's not like i don't wanna, it's just that mah body tells me to stop...

Anna said...

Michael, I will totally cry hot fudge tears for you. Consider it done. I'm all sad and sticky.

Julia said...

I am actually turned on by a man who will finish my plate for me.

onebyone said...

wow, great job.

the guy in that photo has a disease called marfan syndrome, he's not just a skinny fucker.. he cant help it! wikipedia that shit.

Anna said...

Awww. Well, now I feel bad! what picture would you suggest I use? Help me, onebyone!

Anonymous said...

dude, that's bradford cox of deerhunter. who is stricken with Marfan Syndrome, not manorexia. wtf

Heather said...

I know this post is a year old, but AMEN! If I'm finishing your plate or you're not sharing a desert with me because you 'really don't like sweets', I am outta there!

Katie said...

AGREED!! Better late than never, right?

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