September 30, 2009

Quick Rant: I Don't Want To Hear Your Stupid Speech About What You Think You Are Ready For Relationship-Wise

I would rather listen to anything--a dentist's drill, a seal's mating call, Santa's snores, literally ANYTHING--than listen to you prattle on about where your head is at in regards to our blossoming relationship. Do you know why? Because it's only our first date. We haven't even received our food yet, much less entered into anything remotely resembling a relationship. I hate to bum you out, especially when you just bought me a nice beer with a respectably high alcohol content, but I really could not care less about where your head is about "us."

Frankly, I resent this entire set up. I'm a captive audience boxed into this restaurant booth. I have to make eye contact with you as you detail every nuance about where/when/if/how you will be able to enter a new relationship. Should I be taking notes? Will I be quizzed on any of this later? I'm so silly; I thought that you asked me out to dinner, but apparently you hired me for a therapy session. I feel like I'm getting a book report on your emotions.

That's great that you want to be upfront, but this little prepared speech that you're giving me is an insanely huge turn-off. While I'm being honest, [n.b. I would never actually tell a guy any of this] I'm seeing three other guys right now and out of all of them, you're the one I've hooked up with the least. It's totally fine that you aren't ready for a relationship. I'm not even sure if I want to kiss you later tonight, much less if I want to be your girlfriend. And, I don't appreciate you assuming that I want to be your girlfriend anyway. As Stephanie Tanner would say, "How rude!"


Anna said...

I'm not done yet: I also can't stand how smug they look after they told you all this stuff about their relationship baggage, which you didn't even ask them about. Is this the legacy of the sensitve man of the '90s? Chronic oversharers that feel the need to update you anytime they have a thought about what they can or cannot handle? And, then they wonder why we never go for "nice guys."

Here's a pro tip: "bad guys" would never bother us with this shit in a million years. They're mysterious. They give us the gift of overanalyzing their motives. You, sir, robbed us of that gift. Therefore, like a movie we already know the ending to, we got bored. Duh.

Anonymous said...

First date?!? Holy moly, that is crazy red flag central.
To be fair, I think there's a time and place for over-sharing. Specifically post break-up or during a rough patch - you know, when you're seeking clarity and perspective... I can see how it could be possible to go off the deep end in that scenario as well.

Hope this doesn't officially void my "bad guy" status.

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