October 19, 2009

Little Known Fact: I Will Judge You Based On How You Wear Your Backpack

The way a man wears his backpack can tell me a lot of information: Mainly, would I ever agree to be seen with him out in public or not. We like a simple backpack on our men, nothing too intense, bizarre, strappy, or kitchy. But, really, we are mostly concerned about how he wears the thing.  

Worst case: One loosened strap over the shoulder. I don't want to date a guy who looks like a sixth grader in a hurry. What are you, a weed dealer? You know what the Hunchback from Notre Dame, Eurotrash, and Screech from Saved By The Bell have in common? They all look like you! It's hard to take a guy seriously who rocks this look. I will avoid eye contact. I will pretend I don't speak English. I will get the RCs (retard chills) and deny any friend requests he sends me from here on out.

Good case: Both straps on shoulders. Much better! Well, now he looks like a citizen with good posture. He looks like he had a good night's sleep, ate a balanced breakfast and did his homework. He probably shows up two minutes early to appointments. Yes, I would love to take a stroll around the park with you, young man. Cheerio!

Potentially best case: Both straps on shoulders along with the harness straps clicked into place. That buckle tells me that he values security. He is high-tech. He uses a laptop. He carries his phone charger around with him. He will text you back in a timely manner.

I mean, look at Patrick Stump over there. How cute is he all bundled up like that? I just want to run up to him and tighten that strap with my teeth. Is this how guys feel when they catch a glimpse of our bra strap? His backpack gear is basically a garter belt for his chest. Check yes to that.

Honorable mention: This isn't even a backpack, but a guy with a messenger bag is totally ok. If done right, it can make him look like a scrappy English professor. If done wrong, it can make him look like a 1997 music convention attendee.

Did we miss anything? Do you agree? Leave your comments, in the, uh, comments.

11 comments:

Katie said...

I tend to judge more based on the type of backpack rather than the method of carry. If a guy's got a sweet technical Gregory or Arc'Teryx backpack that looks like it's been through a lot, he's a hit in my book. DAKINE backpacks and other similar brands read "poser," unless he's wearing it while snowboarding. They're right up there with fake expensive jeans and t-shirts with graphic tees from Express. Just my humble opinion.

polianarchy said...

That dude has A+ 'chops

phampants said...

Messengar bags FTW!

Amber said...

So funny, I went to school in the 80s and the 'one strap over one shoulder" was THE way to wear a backpack. It was the nerds who used the 2-shouldered method.

Times change! Thank god!

P.S. Having grown up in the 80s, I absolutely despise the current retro 80s look. Ugh. My teenager daughters think it's new. Ha!

jpeterso said...

I tend to disagree. For me it's:

1. Messenger bag.
2. Backpack both straps.
3. Backpack hanging off one shoulder.
4. Backpack with clip fastened.

I'm still trying to figure out how a tote bag/briefcase fit into this.

Ed said...

strap across the chest = potentially not very interested in women

Anna said...

@Ed No way! Plenty of boys buckle up.

dani said...

i was the nerd who double strapped it when i was younger! it was so cool to permanately disfigure your spine by carrying 50lbs of books on one side!

i once dated a dude who was that nerd with the laptop and the security buckled bookbag. it was charming for a while, but at the bar? at dinner? this bookbag was like his purse. drop the bag, man.

Ben said...

What are the retard chills?

Anna said...

retard chills aka douche chills aka a full-on body shudder you do when someone does something lame.

Kit said...

Ew, so would NOT date a douche who strapped his backpack to his chest....

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