October 1, 2009

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "My Last Girlfriend Really Fucked Me Up"

We have to apologize to all you readers out there; we're really cranky this week! Apparently, we have lots of vitriol to spew at dudes. We promise that we'll make it up to you soon and post some hilarious Tip Our Hats to remember what the hell it is we like about guys in the first place, but for now, we're gonna gulp the haterade a bit longer. (We have to admit, it's kinda fun.) This is from our reader Lilja. She wants to stab this phrase in the face:
Okay, I get it: Your last girlfriend was a crazy bitch. That would explain why you’re not dating her anymore. But now that you’ve been dating me for several months, I’m getting sick of you reminding me how insane she is and blaming all your problems on her. At first you don’t even want to go out with me because you’re afraid She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will find out, hunt you down, and rip you to pieces like a piece of raw meat in a cage of tigers. But we worked things out eventually. Then, you can’t find the balls to make our relationship status public on Facebook, because god forbid a friend of a friend finds out and the word gets back to the ex.
But no matter much you try to keep things under wraps, inevitably she found out. She went berserk and tried to win you back by telling you that you’re ruining her life by not getting back together with her. But that's not the problem. The problem is that you continue to talk to her, listen to her, buy into all her bullshit and then mope around all day like a certain sad-sack stuffed donkey. In fact, I don’t think I can even date you anymore, because after hearing “I’m sorry, my ex-girlfriend really fucked me up,” for the zillionth time, I’ve finally realized that what you’re actually telling me is that you’re a pushover who lets crazy bitches jerk you around, can’t take responsibility for your own issues, and can’t commit yourself completely to a relationship with me. So, if I can’t help you get over your ex, I’m just going to have to settle for getting over you.
Wow. That is what happens when you stop being polite and start getting real! Any phrases you'd like to stab in the face? Email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com and pretend like your letter is a 2D voodoo doll that you can poke over and over again.


Unknown said...

another scenario in which this phrase totally blows: maybe she wasn't a psycho hose beast, but it just didn't work and he's still sad and misses her even though it ended over a year ago. shit, yo, so basically i'll just never live up to this chick's legacy? thanks a pantload.

Unfashionistable said...

Luckily for heterosexual men, we never have to deal with the reverse scenario, right? I mean, I'm sure none of the women here have ever been "still not over" or "still tender about" some douchebag they used to date that was mean to them, or made them feel bad about themselves, or didn't call back, or whatever.

So basically, I'm a shit because you've had poor taste in men in the past? Thanks a buttload.

Anna said...

Whoa, Unfashionable. You are taking this waaaay too personally. Guys are weird. Girls are weird. We'll call it a draw.

Shannon W. said...

I guess this is along the lines of "whatever, I'm over it." I briefly dated a guy who was afraid to get super close to me because a girl he broke up with over a year ago hooked up with one of his friends while they were together. He'd frequently repeat the story to me (almost verbatim each time). The story would be used as an excuse for why he didn't want to do his friend a solid, or it would be the preface to how many emails she sent him and he purposely deleted without reading even though the subject line specifically stated "please read." And each time he'd conclude with "whatever, I'm over it." It's time to hike up the big boy pants and actually get over it.

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