Okay, I get it: Your last girlfriend was a crazy bitch. That would explain why you’re not dating her anymore. But now that you’ve been dating me for several months, I’m getting sick of you reminding me how insane she is and blaming all your problems on her. At first you don’t even want to go out with me because you’re afraid She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will find out, hunt you down, and rip you to pieces like a piece of raw meat in a cage of tigers. But we worked things out eventually. Then, you can’t find the balls to make our relationship status public on Facebook, because god forbid a friend of a friend finds out and the word gets back to the ex.
But no matter much you try to keep things under wraps, inevitably she found out. She went berserk and tried to win you back by telling you that you’re ruining her life by not getting back together with her. But that's not the problem. The problem is that you continue to talk to her, listen to her, buy into all her bullshit and then mope around all day like a certain sad-sack stuffed donkey. In fact, I don’t think I can even date you anymore, because after hearing “I’m sorry, my ex-girlfriend really fucked me up,” for the zillionth time, I’ve finally realized that what you’re actually telling me is that you’re a pushover who lets crazy bitches jerk you around, can’t take responsibility for your own issues, and can’t commit yourself completely to a relationship with me. So, if I can’t help you get over your ex, I’m just going to have to settle for getting over you.Wow. That is what happens when you stop being polite and start getting real! Any phrases you'd like to stab in the face? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and pretend like your letter is a 2D voodoo doll that you can poke over and over again.