November 8, 2009

Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I've Learned So Much From You"

Here is a phrase our reader Keisha would like to stab in the face:
After dating a great guy for four months, I heard the first phrase I'd love to stab in the face. It started off well, things went swimmingly all summer. I showed him all of my favorite places in the city since he's from out of state. I wowed him with my impressive knowledge of cheap Thai restaurants and encyclopedic memory of random facts about my hometown. He tried foods he'd never seen before at restaurants he'd never heard of. He seemed to be genuinely interested in me and enjoyed our outings. I thought we might have been on our way to a relationship. Oh, how I was mistaken.

The semester started and while we both were working full-time, we made it a priority to see each other. We even spent our birthdays, which just happen to be on consecutive days, together. I figured if we were exchanging gifts and googly eyes for this long, I might have made some progress. Then he started pulling a Scottie Pippen-grade fade away on me. I went from hearing from him through text and phone calls at least once daily to once every few days. We started seeing each other less and I started to feel like had I lost him and should probably just give it up.
Instead, I ignored all my instincts and made one last ditch effort to see him. Needless to say, he shot me down. Two days later he follows up with a phone call telling me how his schedule with work and class has been difficult and he just couldn't give me the time I deserved. I maturely told him that I had taken the hint. Then came the phrase that I have grown to hate and imagine murdering to the tune of Michael Myers-esque theme music: "I've learned so much from you."

Really?? You learned so much from me? Well I didn't realize that all of my hard work to get you to enjoy my city (and fall head over heels for me) resulted in being reduced to your Discovery Channel tour guide. He wasted my time and I wasted my effort. And let me tell you this, I'd better not catch him at any one of my favorite spots with another girl. I learned something from him, too: guys suck.

"I've learned so much from you," I want to stab you in the face.
Holy shit! That Scottie Pippen reference was insane! Did I tell you that I met him at the mall in eighth grade? I got his autograph on the back of a Sbarro's paper plate. Growing up in Chicago, I was a huge Bulls fan. Ahhh, the Bulls. Such a great team, such tall guys.

Where was I? Oh yeah, this dude in your letter. What a creep! The worst for me is when I introduce a guy to something radical like a British sitcom or my favorite Mexican joint and then he enjoys all the cool things I exposed him too with his new girlfriend. I blow a gasket as I read her stupid blog posts about how much she loves The Mighty Boosh now and how she's so pumped that she has such a cool boyfriend with such awesome taste. My inner Biff is all, "Hey, McFly! Anybody home, McFly? I'm the one that got him into that show, so you should be thanking ME for having such awesome taste!" Awww, fuck it.

Any phrases you guys wanna stab in the face? Let us know at and take your best shot.


Ellyrox said...

As if I didn't love you enough, there's a boosh reference in this post. Clearly, you are the perfect woman.

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