I know it’s not your fault. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. It probably happened before you were even out of the womb. Nevertheless, the awful truth of the matter is that your name is not hot. I am rather particular when it comes to names and the dating game. Accordingly, I am secretly disappointed when you introduce yourself to me in that crowded, dimly-lit bar full of Joe Schmoes as “Al,” or “Bob.” It’s tremendously superficial and judgmental on my part, I know. However, just like you can’t help the fact that your parents chose to name you something bland and generic, I can’t help the fact that I have trouble remembering your name, especially after a few drinks.
When I get an ambiguous text from you the next day, I have to scratch my head trying to remember whether it’s “Mike D,” or “Mike G” that I’m talking to. You’re hot and interesting; why can’t your name be hot and interesting too? Why can’t it be something like BARACK? I can remember Barack! It’s unusual, powerful, and downright sexy. Not to mention, the name of some other really important guy.
Now here’s where it gets even more intense: first names don’t matter nearly as much as last names. If we even get so far as to last name basis, I will secretly judge you based on the appeal of your last name combined with my first name. If they don’t go together like "rama lama lama, ke ding a de dinga dong," the chances of this relationship getting serious are diminished. Just lettin' you know.Ok, the worst name we've ever encountered was a guy we met at a bar in Chicago named Matthew Perry. Seriously, he had the same name as Chandler Bing's real life counterpart. He showed us his driver's license to prove it. So yes, we made out with Matthew Perry, but we giggled the entire time we smooched because the whole thing was so ridiculous. We'll be honest, it was a bit of a kick having his number in our phone for like two minutes, but who on earth would want Matthew Perry's phone number? That puffy washed up pill popper? He looks like Beaker from the Muppets. The Matthew Perry we hooked up with was just a spiky-haired punk kid, but the association was too strong to break. No thanks.