December 4, 2009

Little Known Fact: I Will Secretly Judge You Based On The Hotness Of Your Name

Ah, the name game. From our reader, Lilja:
I know it’s not your fault. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. It probably happened before you were even out of the womb. Nevertheless, the awful truth of the matter is that your name is not hot. I am rather particular when it comes to names and the dating game. Accordingly, I am secretly disappointed when you introduce yourself to me in that crowded, dimly-lit bar full of Joe Schmoes as “Al,” or “Bob.” It’s tremendously superficial and judgmental on my part, I know. However, just like you can’t help the fact that your parents chose to name you something bland and generic, I can’t help the fact that I have trouble remembering your name, especially after a few drinks.

When I get an ambiguous text from you the next day, I have to scratch my head trying to remember whether it’s “Mike D,” or “Mike G” that I’m talking to. You’re hot and interesting; why can’t your name be hot and interesting too? Why can’t it be something like BARACK? I can remember Barack! It’s unusual, powerful, and downright sexy. Not to mention, the name of some other really important guy.
Now here’s where it gets even more intense: first names don’t matter nearly as much as last names. If we even get so far as to last name basis, I will secretly judge you based on the appeal of your last name combined with my first name. If they don’t go together like "rama lama lama, ke ding a de dinga dong," the chances of this relationship getting serious are diminished. Just lettin' you know. 
Ok, the worst name we've ever encountered was a guy we met at a bar in Chicago named Matthew Perry. Seriously, he had the same name as Chandler Bing's real life counterpart. He showed us his driver's license to prove it. So yes, we made out with Matthew Perry, but we giggled the entire time we smooched because the whole thing was so ridiculous. We'll be honest, it was a bit of a kick having his number in our phone for like two minutes, but who on earth would want Matthew Perry's phone number? That puffy washed up pill popper? He looks like Beaker from the Muppets. The Matthew Perry we hooked up with was just a spiky-haired punk kid, but the association was too strong to break. No thanks.

11 comments:

caroline said...

Weird, I know a Matthew Perry too.

Darius Kazemi said...

This is exactly why I love my name. (And also why I stress about naming any future kids I might have.)

miss bee said...

for a long time, i have decided that i am hypenating my last name. i do not want to give it up, but i also like that whole take-the-dudes-last-name thing.

i have gone through this in my head with all the boyfriends' last names. none of them sound good.

i have come to realize that there is only ONE name that i like in conjunction with my last name and it's "rosen."

i need to marry a rosen.

L'Amour Du Jour said...

Tried to give a guy named Dana a chance once... ya it didn't work out.

Helen said...

I have a friend whose name is Ben Savage. I too have a thing about last names needing to be awesome, because mine's pretty cool.

Noel said...

I've got the first name covered. Last name... not so much.

Dustin said...

My first, middle, and last name are all awesome. I am the triple threat.

Lora said...

ha. my mom broke up with the guy she dated before my dad because his name was Herb.

lilsweetpeajac said...

My parents were going to name me Harry if I was a boy, thank goodness I was born with a vagina. We then got a cat and they named him Harry... I don't know what their deal with the name Harry but someone was going to get it! AT least it was the cat!

Kehilla Monster said...

Names can be treacherous. One my faves is "Avi". I have met my share of gross Avi's, but man..I still love that name.

Anonymous said...

I like me some Matts, Dans, Daves, and James'. Simple names, sounds like the dude is in a band. I suspect that not only a man's shortness, but the wussiness of his name has an adverse effect on his getting laid. Judging by the men of the internet. I would have been named "Dimitri" if I were a boy. I know it sounds weird, but Dima is kind of a hot name for a Russian boy in Russia. Maybe because I knew a guitar playing, attractive Dimitri when I was a kid...

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