December 27, 2009

Oh No He Di'int: Hit On Me When I Look Like A Pile Of Dirty Laundry

Can I be frank? I'm honestly not sure why you're hitting on me. It's Sunday, which everyone knows is my ragged/ don't give a fuck/ recovery day.

I'm at the grocery store propping myself up on the shopping cart, dodging other customers. You can tell that I am feeling rough because I'm wearing a hoodie, black jeans and fake Uggs, aka fuggs, from Target. (Lay off me! They keep my feet warm.) Cleary, I am dressed for comfort. I'm avoiding eye contact with everyone and I'm just trying to power through this trip to the store as fast as possible.

I'm not even wearing make-up! There's not one swipe of concealer on this face. My puffy, tired eyes look like Oreo Cakesters. I look like a hungover, cranky, uncaffeinated vagrant. No, really, I look like a hamper. I look like Jewel's car that she had to live in before she got signed as a singer. I look like a Jr. high lost and found bin come to life. There is nothing hot about me right now.

So, forgive me if I seem dumbfounded when you strike up a conversation. I almost argue with you when you ask for my number. Hello! I look TERRIBLE! If you consult the chart below, you will see that today is not my optimal day to be hit on. Observe:

I don't even start wearing eyeliner until Tuesday. By Wednesday, I'll start wearing perfume again. By Thursday, I'll swipe on mascara. And, by Friday, I'll blow dry my hair AND wear blush. As Metallica sang, sad but true.

Honestly, I will think less of you if you hit on me at my lowest point in the week. Aim higher. You're better than that.


Nick said...

Metallica? Nice.

Anonymous said...

I haven't met you, but... could it be your butt? It is not subject to the effects of concealer, espresso, or other accoutrement. And not all of us men have a keen olfactory sense.

Anna said...

No, it is not my butt. I honestly have NO CLUE what it is.

I should've given him a quick survey. I thought I looked retarded today. Maybe he likes retarded girls? Who knows?

He was really cute and I could'nt even sustain eye contact with him because I was so flustered. I figured I'd tell the Internet about it because I'm a mature person. Haha.

Fluffy said...

i can't stop laughing at "straight up goblin"

Tracy Vanity said...

Isn't that a good sign though? Especially if he's cute! That means that even when you feel blah he thinks you're hot. Sounds like a keeper.

Anonymous said...

My guy thinks I look adorable in the morning. It’s kind of charming and kind of weird, but he’s always all “you don’t need to change! You look great!” Seriously, the other day I was in some old yoga pants and a sorority t-shirt from college a/k/a my pajamas, and he thought that would be a perfectly good look for going out to breakfast with friends. You would think maybe this is just a sign that he’s seriously fashion-impaired, but in fact he’s perfectly capable of dressing himself. So, maybe you just met the same kind of guy. Believe me, there are worse things out there than a guy with a warped sense of how cute you look. (Like my step-father, who will tell my mom, “Ah! Put on some makeup already!”

Valerie said...

LMAO! I've thought the exact same thing before. Hilarious.

dani said...


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